Making Money (Discworld 36)

'How's it going in your world, Hubert?' he said. 'The water gurgling around okay, is it?'

'It's fine! Fine! It's all fine! Nothing is wrong at all!' Hubert went blank, fished out his notebook, glanced at a page, and put it back. 'How are you?'

'Me? Oh, great. Except that there should be ten tons of gold in the gold vaults and there isn't.'

It sounded as though a glass had broken in the direction of Igor, and Hubert stared in horror at Moist.

'Ha? Hahahaha?' he said. 'Ha ha ha ha a HAHAHA!! HA HA HA!!! HA HA - '

There was a blur as Igor leapt to the table and grabbed Hubert. 'Thorry, Mr Lipwig,' he said over his shoulder, 'thith can go on for hourth - '

He slapped Hubert twice across the face and pulled a jar out of his pocket.

'Mr Hubert? How many fingerth am I holding up?'

Hubert slowly focused. 'Thirteen?' he quavered.

Igor relaxed and dropped the jar back into his pocket. 'Jutht in time. Well done, thur!'

'I am so sorry - ' Hubert began.

'Don't worry about it. I'm feeling a bit that way myself,' said Moist.

'So... this gold... have you any idea who took it?'

'No, but it must have been an inside job,' said Moist. 'And now the Watch are going to pin it on me, I suspect.'

'Will that mean you won't be in charge?' said Hubert.

'I doubt I'll be allowed to run the bank from inside the Tanty.'

'Oh dear,' said Hubert, looking at Igor. 'Um... what would happen if it was put back?'

Igor coughed loudly.

'I think that's unlikely, don't you?' said Moist.

'Yes, but Igor told me that when the Post Office burned down last year the gods themselves gave you the money to rebuild it!'

'Harrumph,' said Igor.

'I doubt if that's likely twice,' said Moist. 'And I don't think there's a god of banking.'

'One might take it on for the publicity,' said Hubert desperately. 'It could be worth a prayer.'

'Harrumph!' said Igor, louder this time.

Moist looked from one to the other. Okay, he thought, something's going on, and I'm not going to be told what it is.

Pray to the gods to get a big heap of gold? When had that ever worked? Well, last year it worked, true, but that was because I already knew where a big heap of gold was buried. The gods help those who help themselves, and my word, didn't I help myself.

'You think it's really worth it?' said Moist.

A small steaming mug was placed in front of him. 'Your Thplot,' said Igor. The words 'Now please drink it up and go' accompanied it in every respect but the vocal.

'Do you think I should pray, Igor?' said Moist, watching his face.

'I couldn't thay. The Igor position on prayer is that it is nothing more than hope with a beat to it.'