Making Money (Discworld 36)

'You will get in,' he said.

'Actually it's a very short walk to - '

'Get in, Mr Lipwig. We will go the pretty way.

'I believe you think our relationship is a game,' said Vetinari, as the coach pulled away. 'You believe that all sins will be forgiven. So let me give you this.'

He took up a black walking stick, topped with a silver skull, and tugged at the handle.

'This curious thing was in the possession of Cosmo Lavish,' he said, as the blade slid out.

'I know. Isn't it a replica of yours?' said Moist.

'Oh really!' said Vetinari. 'Am I a "sword made of the blood of a thousand men" kind of ruler? It'll be a crown of skulls next, I suppose. I believe Cosmo had it made.'

'So it's a replica of a rumour?' Outside the coach, some gates were swung open.

'Indeed,' said Vetinari. 'A copy of something that does not exist. One can only hope that it is not authentic in every respect.'

The coach door was opened, and Moist stepped down into the palace gardens. They had the usual look of such places  -  neat, tidy, lots of gravel and pointy trees and no vegetables.

'Why are we here?' said Adora Belle. 'It's about the golems, isn't it?'

'Miss Dearheart, what do our local golems think about this new army?'

'They don't like them. They think they will be the cause of trouble. They have no chem that can be changed. They're worse than zombies.'

'Thank you. A further question: will they kill?'

'Historically, golem-makers have learned not to make golems that kill - '

'Is that a no?'

'I don't know!'

'We make progress. Is it possible to give them an order which cannot be countermanded by another person?'

'Well, er... Yes. If no one else knows the secret.'

'Which is?' Vetinari turned back to Moist, and drew the sword.

'It must be the way I give the orders, sir,' said Moist, squinting downwards at the blade for the second time. It really did glint.

He was braced for what happened, except that it happened in entirely the wrong way.

Vetinari handed him the sword and said: 'Miss Dearheart, I really wish you would not leave the city for long periods. It makes this man seek danger. Tell us the secret, Mr Lipwig.'

'I think it could be too dangerous, sir.'

'Mr Lipwig, do I need a badge that says tyrant?'

'Can I make a bargain?'

'Of course. I am a reasonable man.'

'Will you keep to it?'

'No. But I will make a different bargain. The Post Office can have six golem horses. The other golem warriors will be considered wards of the Golem Trust, but the use of four hundred of them to improve the operation of the clacks system will, I am sure, meet with international approval. We will replace gold with golems as a basis for our currency, as you have so eloquently pleaded. The two of you have made the international situation very... interesting - '