Unseen Academicals (Discworld 37)

'Well, some people are black and some people are white,' said Nutt, almost in tears. Oh, why had he, why had he left the vats? It was nice and uncomplicated down there, and quiet, too, when Concrete hadn't been on the ferrous oxide.

'It doesn't work like that. You're not a zombie, are you? I know they do their best, and none of us can help how we die, but I'm not having all that trouble again. Anyone might get their finger in the soup, but rolling around in the bottom of the bowl? That's not right.'

'I am alive, miss,' said Nutt helplessly.

'Yes, but a live what, that's what I'd like to know.'

'I'm a goblin, miss.' He hesitated as he said it. It sounded like a lie.

'I thought goblins had horns,' said Glenda.

'Only the grown-up ones, miss.' Well, that was true, for some goblins.

'You lot don't do anything nasty, do you?' said Glenda, glaring at Nutt.

But he recognized it as a kind of residual glare; she'd said her piece, and now it was just a bit of play-acting, to show she was the boss here. And bosses can afford to be generous, especially when you look a little fearful and suitably impressed. It worked.

Glenda said, 'Trev, fetch Mister... ?'

'Nutt,' said Nutt.

'Fetch Mister Nutt some bubble and squeak, will you? He looks half-starved.'

'I have a very fast metabolism,' said Nutt.

'I don't mind about that,' said Glenda, 'so long as you don't go showing it to people. I have enough - '

There was a crash from behind her.

Trev had dropped the tray of bubble and squeak. He was stock still, staring at Juliet, who was returning the stare with a look of deep disgust. Finally, she said, in a voice like pearls, ' 'ad your bleedin' eyeful? You got a nerve, largin' it in here wiv that rag round your neck! Everyone knows Dimwell are well pants. Beasly couldn't carry the ball in a sack.'

'Oh yeah right? Well, I hear that the Lobbins walked all over you last week. Lobbin Clout! Everyone knows they're a bunch o' grannies!'

'Oh yeah, that's all you know! Staple Upwright was let out of the Tanty the day before! See if you Dimmers like him stamping all over you!'

'Old Staple? Ha! He'll clog away, yeah, but he can't run above a canter! We'll run rings around - '

Glenda's frying pan clanged loudly on top of the iron range. 'Enough of that, the pair of you! I've got to clean up for the day, and I don't want football dirtying up my nice surfaces, you hear me? You wait here, my girl, and you, Trevor Likely, you get back to your cellar, and I shall want that dish cleaned and back here by tomorrow night or you can try begging your meals off some other girl, right? Take your little friend with you. Nice to meet you, Mister Nutt, but I wish I could find you in better company.'

She paused. Nutt looked so lost and bewildered. Gods help me, she thought, I'm turning into my mum again. 'No, wait.' She reached down, opened one of the warming ovens and came back again with another large dish. The scent of cooked apples filled the kitchen. 'This is for you, Mister Nutt, with my compliments. You need fattening up before you blow away. Don't bother to share it with this scallywag, 'cos he's a greedy beggar, ask anyone. Now, I've got to clean up, and if you boys don't want to help, get out of my kitchen! Oh, and I'll want that dish back as well!'

Trev grabbed Nutt's shoulder. 'Come on, you heard what she said.'

'Yes, and I don't mind helping - '

'Come on!'

'Thank you very much, miss,' Nutt managed, as he was dragged down the stairs.

Glenda folded her oven cloth neatly as she watched them go.

'Goblins,' she said thoughtfully. 'Have you ever seen a goblin before, Jools?'

'What?'

'Have you ever seen a goblin?'

'Dunno.'