Unseen Academicals (Discworld 37)

'We... generally call her Juliet,' said Glenda.

'She told us to call her Jools,' said Madame. 'Is there a problem?'

'Well, er, not really a problem,' Glenda began wretchedly.

'That's good, then,' said Madame, who clearly knew when not to notice subtleties. 'Now let's prise her away from her new friends, and you can see to it that she gets a good night's sleep.'

There was laughter, and the girls helping with the show streamed out into the clammy place that was the midwife to beauty. Juliet was among them, and with the loudest laugh. She broke away when she saw Glenda and gave her another hug. 'Oh, Glendy, isn't this great? It's like a fairy story!'

'Yes, well, it might be,' said Glenda, 'but they don't all have happy endings. Just you remember you have a good job now, with prospects and regular leftovers to take home. That's not to be lightly thrown away.'

'No, it should be hurled with great force,' said Pepe. 'I mean, what is this? Emberella? The wand has been waved, the court is cheering, a score of handsome princes are waiting to sign up for just a sniff of her slipper, and you want her to go back to work making pumpkins?'

He looked at their blank faces. 'All right, perhaps that came out a little confused, but surely you can follow the seam? This is a big chance! As big as it gets. A way out of the bucket!'

'I think we'll go home now,' said Glenda primly. 'Come along, Jools.'

'See,' said Pepe, when they had gone, 'it's a crab bucket.'

Madame peered into a bottle to see if, against all probability, one glassful yet remained. 'Did you know she more or less raised the kid? Jools will do what she says.'

'What a waste,' said Pepe. 'Don't take the world by storm, stay here and make pies? You think that's a life?'

'Someone has to make pies,' Madame said, with an infuriating calm reasonableness.

'Oh, pur-lease! Not her. Let it not be her. And for leftovers? Oh no!'

Madame picked up another empty bottle. She knew it was empty because it was in the vicinity of Pepe at the end of a long day, but she examined it anyway because thirst springs eternal.

'Hmm. It might not come to that,' she said. 'I have a feeling that Miss Glenda is just about to start thinking. There's a powerful mind behind that rather sad cloak and those awful shoes. Today might be its lucky day.'

Ridcully strode through the corridors of Unseen University with his robes flapping confidently behind him. He had a big stride and Ponder had to run in a semi-crabwise fashion to keep up with him, his clipboard clutched protectively to his chest. 'You know we did agree that it wasn't to be used for purposes other than pure research, Archchancellor. You actually signed the edict.'

'Did I? I don't remember that, Stibbons.'

'I remember it most distinctly, sir. It was just after the case of Mister Floribunda.'

'Which one was he?' said Ridcully, still striding purposefully ahead.

'He was the one who felt a little peckish and asked the Cabinet for a bacon sandwich to see what would happen.'

'I thought that anything taken out of the Cabinet had to be returned in 14.14 hours recurring?'

'Yes, sir. That is the case, but the Cabinet appears to have strange rules that we do not fully understand. In any case, Mister Floribunda's defence was that he thought the fourteen-hour rule didn't apply to bacon sandwiches. Nor did he tell anybody and so the students on his floor were only alerted when they heard the screams some fourteen hours later.'

'Correct me if I'm wrong,' said Ridcully, still covering the flagstones at an impressive rate, 'but would it not have been digested by that point?'

'Yes, sir. But it still went back to the Cabinet, of its own accord, you might say. That was quite an interesting discovery. We did not know that could happen.'

Ridcully stopped and Ponder bumped into him. 'What exactly did happen to him?'

'You wouldn't want me to draw a picture, sir. However, the good news is that he will soon be out of the wheelchair. In fact, I gather he's already walking quite well with a stick. How we discipline him is, of course, up to you, sir. The file is on your desk, as are, indeed, a considerable number of other documents.'

Ridcully strode off again. 'He did it to see what would happen, did he?' he said cheerfully.

'So he said, sir,' said Ponder.

'And this was against my express orders, was it?'