Unseen Academicals (Discworld 37)

'Well, yes, of course,' said Hix. 'It's quite hard to get anything to run into a hail of arrows unless you give it some encouragement.'

'They were weapons. Living creatures as weapons. And they don't look so different from humans.'

'A lot of really interesting stuff happened under the Evil Emperor,' said Hix, conversationally.

'Evil stuff,' said Glenda.

'Yes,' said Hix, 'that was rather the point. Evil Emperor. Evil Empire. It did what it said on the iron maiden.'

'And what happened to them?'

'Well, officially they're all dead,' said Hix. 'But there have been rumours.'

'And men drove them into battle,' said Glenda.

'If you want to put it like that, I suppose so,' said Hix, 'but I'm not certain that changes anything.'

'I think it changes everything,' said Glenda. 'It does if all that people talk about are the monsters and not the whips. Things that look very much like people, well, a kind of people. What can you make from people if you really try?'

'It's an interesting theory,' said Hix. 'But I don't think you can prove it.'

'When Kings fight other Kings and win, they chop off the other King's head, don't they?' said Glenda.

'Sometimes,' said Hix.

'I mean, you can't blame a weapon for how it's used. What's it they say? People can't help how they were made. I think the orcs were made.'

Glenda glanced at the Librarian, who looked at the ceiling.

'You work as a cook, don't you? Would you like to work for my department?'

'Everyone knows women can't be wizards,' said Glenda.

'Ah, yes, but Necro - Post-Mortem Communications is different,' said Hix proudly. And added, 'We could do with some sensible people here, heavens know. And the feminine touch would be very welcome. And don't think I would require you to just come and do the dusting. We treasure our dust in this place and your cookery skills will be invaluable. After all, basic butchery is all part of the job. And I do believe that Boffo's shop has a rather good female Necromancer's costume in their sale, isn't that right, Charlie?'

'Ten dollars including lace-up bodice. A bargain in anybody's money,' said Charlie from behind his curtain. 'Very slinky.'

There had been no reply because Glenda's mouth had stuck in the act of opening, but she finally managed a polite, but firm, 'No.'

The head of the Department of Post-Mortem Communications gave a little sigh. 'I thought as much, but we are part of the scheme of things. Light and dark. Night and day. Sweet and sour. Good and evil (within acceptable college statutes). It just helps if you can have sensible and reliable people on both sides, but I'm glad that we've been able to be of assistance. We don't see many people down here. Well, not people as such.'

This time Glenda walked along the corridor. 'Orc,' she thought. 'A thing that just kills.' Every time she blinked, the image came back to her. The teeth and claws of a creature in full leap seen, as far as one could tell, by whoever it was it was leaping at. Fighters you couldn't stop. And Nutt had been killed, according to Trev, and then sort of became unkilled again before going back to Unseen University and eating all the pies.

There was an awfully big gap in all this, but men with whips filled it. You can't have something that just fights, she thought. It has to do other things as well. And Nutt isn't any stranger than most of the people you see around these days. It's not a lot to go on, though, but then again, the Evil Emperor was a sorcerer, everyone knew that. Everyone knows you can't help how you're made. Well, it's worth a try. It's a little bit of uncertainty.

As soon as she arrived back outside Nutt's special place, she sensed that it would be empty. She pushed the door open and there was a definite absence of candles and, more importantly, a very noticeable absence of Nutt. But I told him to go and help them train. That's where he's gone, to go and train, definitely, she said to herself. So no need to worry, then.

On edge, feeling that something was nevertheless wrong, she forced herself back to the Night Kitchen.

She was nearly there when she met Mr Ottomy, his scrawny Adam's apple as red and glistening as chicken giblets.

'So, we've got a man-eating orc down here, have we?' he said. 'People aren't going to stand for that. I heard somewhere that they could go on fighting while their heads are chopped off.'

'That's interesting,' said Glenda. 'How did they know which way to go?'

'Ah-ah! They could smell their way,' said the bledlow.

'How could they do that with their heads chopped off? Are you telling me they had a nose up their arse?' She was shocked at herself for saying that, it was bad language, but Ottomy was bad language made solid.