Unseen Academicals (Discworld 37)

'Yes, that's a very good point,' said Glenda, 'but I think you should keep it to yourself for now.' She noticed a surprised owl, lit up briefly by the coach's lamps.

Then she said, keeping her eyes straight ahead, 'The thing about the poem... '

'How did you know, Miss Glenda?' said Nutt.

'You talk about kindness a lot.' She cleared her throat. 'And under the circumstances, I think Glenda is sufficient.'

'You were kind to me,' said Nutt. 'You are kind to everybody.'

Glenda swiftly put aside a vision of Mr Ottomy and said, 'No, I'm not, I'm shouting at everyone all the time!'

'Yes, but it's for their own good.'

'What do we do now?' Glenda said.

'I have no idea. But can I tell you something very interesting about ships?'

It wasn't exactly what Glenda had expected, but somehow it was one hundred per cent Nutt. 'Please tell me the interesting thing about ships,' she said.

'The interesting thing about ships is that the captains of ships have to be very careful when two ships are close together at sea, particularly in calm conditions. They tend to collide.'

'Because of the wind blowing, and that?' said Glenda, thinking: In theory this is a romantic-novel situation and I am about to learn about ships. Iradne Comb-Buttworthy never puts a ship in her books. They probably don't have enough reticules.

'No,' said Nutt. 'In fact, to put it simply, each ship shields the other ship from lateral waves on one side, so by small increments outside forces bring them together without their realizing it.'

'Oh! It's a metaphor?' said Glenda, relieved. 'You think we're being pushed together.'

'It's something like that,' said Nutt. They rocked as the coach hit a particularly nasty pothole.

'So, if we don't do anything we'll just get closer and closer?'

'Yes,' said Nutt.

The coach jumped and rattled again, but Glenda felt as if she was travelling over very thin ice. She'd hate to say the wrong thing.

'You know Trev said that I'd died?' Nutt continued. 'Well, that was true. Probably. Ladyship said that we were made from goblins for the Evil Emperor. The Igors did it. And they put in something very strange. It's a part of you that isn't quite a part of you. They called it the Little Brother. It's tucked in deep inside and absolutely protected and it's like having your own hospital with you all the time. I know that I was hit very hard, but the Little Brother kept me alive and simply cured things again. There are ways to kill an orc, but there are not many of them and anyone trying them out on a living orc is not going to have very much time to get it right. Does that worry you at all?'

'No, not really,' said Glenda. 'I don't really understand it. I think it's more important just to be who you are.'

'No, I don't think I should be who I am, because I am an orc. But I have some plans in that direction.'

Glenda cleared her throat again. 'This thing with the ships... Does it happen quite quickly?'

'It starts quite slowly, but it's quite quick towards the end,' said Nutt.

'The thing is,' said Glenda, 'I mean, I can't just walk away from my job, and there's old ladies I go and visit, and you'll be busy with the football... '

'Yes. I think we should be doing the things we should be doing, and it's the last training day tomorrow, which is actually today now,' said Nutt.

'And I've got to make a lot of pies.'

'It's going to be a very busy time for both of us,' said Nutt solemnly.

'Yes. Um, er, do you mind me saying... in your lovely poem... the line "The crypt's a handsome place to be, but none I think leave after tea" didn't quite - '

'Didn't quite work? I know,' said Nutt. 'I feel rather bad about that.'

'Oh, please don't! It's a wonderful poem!' Glenda burst out, and felt the ripples in the calm sea.