Unseen Academicals (Discworld 37)

'Yes, but you wizards sorted that out,' said Trev.

'But no one likes being turned into stone, even if it's just for half an hour.' Ponder sighed. 'The Times has done one of their thoughtful pieces. I suppose it isn't too bad. It quoted the Archchancellor, who says that Mister Nutt is a hardworking member of the university staff and there have been no incidents of anyone's leg being torn off.'

'They put it like that?' said Glenda, wide-eyed.

'Oh, you know the sort of thing if you read the papers a lot,' said Ponder. 'I seriously think they think that it's their job to calm people down by first of all explaining why they should be overexcited and very worried.'

'Oh, yes, I know they do that,' said Glenda. 'How would people get worried if they weren't told how to be?'

'Well, it wasn't all that bad,' said Ponder, 'but a few of the other papers have picked it up as well and some of the facts have become... elastic. The Inquirer said Nutt is training the football team.'

'That's true,' said Glenda.

'Well, actually it's me. I am merely delegating the task to him. I hope that's understood? Anyway, they did a cartoon about it.'

Glenda put a hand over her eyes. She hated cartoons in newspapers. 'Was it a football team of orcs?' she said.

Ponder's look was almost admiring. 'Yes,' he said. 'And they did an article about raising important questions about Vetinari's open-door policy, while saying at the same time that rumours that Mister Nutt had to be chained down were quite likely false.'

'What about the Tanty Bugle?' said Glenda. 'They never write anything unless it's got blood and horrible murder in it.' She paused and then added, 'Or pictures of girls without their vests on.'

'Oh, yes,' said Ponder. 'They did a rather grainy picture of a young lady with enormous melons.'

'D'you mean - ' Trev began.

'No, they were just enormous melons. The green ones. Slightly warty. She won a contest for growing them, apparently, but in the caption it said that she's worried that she won't be able to sleep easily in her bed now that orcs are coming into the city.'

'Is Lord Vetinari doing anything about this?'

'I haven't heard,' said Ponder. 'Oh, and Bu-bubble want to interview Mister Nutt. What they call a lifestyle piece.' He said the words as if trying to hold them at arm's length.

'Have people turned up for training?' said Nutt calmly.

'Oh, yes. The ground is heaving.'

'So we'll go and train them,' said Nutt. 'Don't worry, I won't twist anybody's head off.'

'No, don't make jokes,' said Glenda. 'I think this could be terribly bad.'

'We know something's going on with the teams,' said Ponder. 'And there were lots of fights during the night.'

'About what?'

'About who's going to play us.' Ponder stopped and looked Nutt up and down. 'Commander Vimes is back in town and would like to lock you up,' he said. 'Only in protective custody, of course.'

'You mean put him somewhere where they can all find him?' said Glenda.

'I would say that the chances of a mob breaking into Pseudopolis Yard are remote,' said Ponder.

'Yes, but you're locking him up. That's what it would be. He'd be locked up and coppers chat like everyone else. The orc would be locked up in prison and if people don't know why, they'll make it up, that's how people are. Can't you wizards do something?'

'Yes,' said Ponder. 'We can do practically anything, but we can't change people's minds. We can't magic them sensible. Believe me, if it were possible to do that, we would have done it a long time ago. We can stop people fighting by magic and then what do we do? We have to go on using magic to stop them fighting. We have to go on using magic to stop them being stupid. And where does all that end? So we make certain that it doesn't begin. That's why the university is here. That's what we do. We have to sit around not doing things because of the hundreds of times in the past it's been proved that once you get beyond the abracadabra, hey presto, changing-the-pigeons-into-ping-pong-balls style of magic you start getting more problems than you've solved. It was bad enough finding ping-pong balls nesting in the attics.'

'Ping-pong balls nestin'?' said Trev.

'I don't want to talk about it,' said Ponder glumly.

'I remember when one of you gentlemen got hungry in the night and cast a spell for a baked potato,' said Glenda.