Unseen Academicals (Discworld 37)

'Ah, Miss Sugarbean, legendary inventor of the famous Ploughman's Pie,' said Vetinari. He glanced at her ladyship. 'And Mister Nutt's friend.'

'I have met her, Havelock. She harangued me.'

'Yes, she does it very well. You feel as if you've had a nice cold bath. Do show her in, Drumknott.'

'And there is a young man with her. I recognize him as Trevor Likely, son of the famous footballer Dave Likely, and I am informed by her that she has indeed brought you a Ploughman's Pie.'

'You would take untested food from a member of the public?' said her ladyship, horrified.

'Certainly from this one,' said Vetinari. 'There is no possible way that she would ever put poison in anything. Not out of respect for me, you understand, but out of respect for the food. Don't leave. I think you will find this... interesting.'

The pie was still warm in Glenda's hands as she stepped into the Oblong Office. She herself almost froze at the sight of Lady Margolotta, but a certain robustness kicked in.

'Do I have to curtsy?' she said.

'Not unless you really feel the need.'

'We've come to warn you,' said Trev.

'Indeed.' Vetinari raised an eyebrow.

'Ankh-Morpork United will walk all over Unseen Academicals with great big boots on.'

'Oh, dear. Do you think that will be the case?'

'They're not yer average players!' Trev blurted out. 'They're from the Shove. They go armed.'

'Ah, yes. Football as warfare,' said Vetinari. 'Well, thank you for telling me.'

Silence fell. Vetinari broke it by saying, 'Was there anything else you would like to say?' He looked at the pie that Glenda was holding out in front of her like some kind of chastity device.

'Can't you do something?' she said.

'It's a game, Miss Sugarbean. Having suggested the match in the first place, what do you think I would look like if I intervened? There will, after all, be rules. There will, after all, be a referee.'

'They won't care,' said Trev.

'Then I suppose the Watch will have to do its duty. And now, if you will excuse me, I have affairs of state to attend to, but please leave the pie.'

'One moment,' said her ladyship. 'Why have you come to warn his lordship, young lady?'

'Isn't that the sort of thing I ought to do?' said Glenda.

'And you walked in, just like that?'

'Well, the pie helped.'

'We have met before, you know,' said her ladyship.

She stared at Glenda and Glenda stared back, and she finally managed, 'Yes, I know, and I'm not frightened and I'm not sorry.'

The battle of the stares went on for a year too long and then Lady Margolotta turned her head away sharply and said, 'Well, you have got one of them right, but I am sure I shall enjoy the pie and also the match.'

'Yes, yes,' said Vetinari. 'Thank you both for calling, but if you will excuse us we do have matters of state to discuss.'

'Well!' said Lady Margolotta as the door shut behind them. 'What type of people are you incubating in this city of yours, Havelock?'

'I imagine some of the very best,' said Vetinari.