Unseen Academicals (Discworld 37)

It seemed darker than usual. Generally, the Archchancellor's rulings were obeyed, and it seemed to the members of Unseen Academicals that every door was closed, indeed slammed, as they searched for food. Every pantry was locked and spell-proofed. The team trudged helplessly from one hall to another.

'I do have some reheatable pasta in my room,' said Bengo Macarona. 'My grandmother gave it to me before I came down here. It will keep for ten years and my grandmother says that it will taste as good after ten years as it does now. I regret that she may have been telling the truth.'

'If you get it, we could cook it up in my room,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

'If you like. It contains alligator testicles, for nourishment. They are very popular at home.'

'I didn't know alligators had testicles,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

'They haven't got 'em any more,' said Bledlow Nobbs (no relation).

'I've got a biscuit, we could share that out,' said Ponder Stibbons. He was immediately pierced by their questioning gazes. 'No,' he said, 'I am not going to countermand the Archchancellor's orders any further than that. I would never hear the last of it, gentlemen. Without a hierarchy we are nothing.'

'The Librarian will have some bananas,' said Rincewind.

'Are you sure?' said Macarona.

'I think the Librarian has a motto in these cases: "If you try to take my bananas from me, I will reclaim them from your cold dead hands."'

Trev, who had been lurking in the shadows, waited until the rumble of stomachs died away in the distance and then hurried back and knocked on the bolted door of the Night Kitchen. 'They've all met up and they're headed for the Library.'

'Good, I think he'll share his bananas with them,' said Nutt.

'I don't really see the point,' said Glenda.

'The point is they are friends. Partners in adversity. They are a team. That is football. You have to train a team to be a team and I will have no problem with them having a very large breakfast in the morning.'

Nutt was changing, Trev thought. 'Can I ask you a personal question, Mister Nutt?'

'Nearly all the questions people ask me are personal, though do go ahead, Mister Trev.'

'Well, er, all right. Sometimes you look big and sometimes you look small. What's that all about?'

'It is something built into us,' said Nutt. 'I believe that it is a product of the morphic field contracting and expanding. It affects your perceptions.'

'When you're upset, you do look very small,' said Glenda.

'What size do I look now?'

'Pretty big,' said Trev.

'Good,' said Nutt, helping himself to a slice of pie. 'Tomorrow I intend to look even bigger.'

'There's somethin' else we have to do,' said Trev. 'Pepe wants to help me. He thinks I'm gonna play football.'

'Well, you are going to play football,' said Nutt.

'No! You know this! I promised my ol' mum and you can't break a promise to your ol' mum, Gods rest her soul. Do you 'ave keys to the wine cellar, Glenda?'

'Do you think I'd tell you, Trev Likely?'

'Thought not. I want two bottles of best brandy. And, er, could you all come with me, please? I think Pepe means well, but he, er, well, you know him, it's midnight and everythin'.'

'I think I know Pepe,' said Glenda.

There was a guard on the rear door of Shatta, but before he could even think of turning away Trev and his bodyguards, Pepe appeared. 'Cor! Three chums. I must be very frightening,' he said, leering. 'Hello, chums, got the brandy?'

'Yes, what's this all about, Pepe? You've been putting the willies up Trev,' said Glenda.