Down & Dirty (Lightning 1)

I’m crying now, tears pouring down my face. But Hunter doesn’t falter. Instead he smiles, his joy in his sister’s life lighting up the whole place.

“Heather lived her life out loud, in full and joyous color. Nothing could keep her down for long—not divorce, not cancer, not even death. As it got closer to the end, she had to be in bed a lot, but most of the times I went to check on her, she wasn’t sleeping. She was reading a book or watching a documentary about some weird and wonderful phenomenon or falling down a rabbit hole on the internet that ended up with her pledging thousands of dollars to help build a girls’ school in Rwanda or save a bird in the South American rainforest or feed a hundred orphans in war-torn Syria.

“When I would tell her to get some sleep, she would smile at me and say, ‘Not yet, Hunter. I just want to see one more place. Just learn one more thing. Just want to help one more person.’ That’s who Heather is, who she’s always been from the time we were small. When we were growing up, everyone always thought I was the adventurous one. That I was the troublemaker. But the truth is, it was always Heather. But she always had such good intentions that I could never let her take the blame when things went wrong. When I got in trouble, I’d always tell her that it was the last time. That I wasn’t going to do anything she said anymore. But then she’d come to my room late at night with some ridiculous story or even more ridiculous idea and we’d be off again, making mischief and wreaking havoc.

“Heather’s been a part of my life from the moment I was conceived. We spent nine months together in our mother’s womb and thirty-one years together outside of it. She knew me better than anybody and I knew her the same way. And I’m grateful for every single moment I had with my sister.

“No, getting up here and talking about her isn’t difficult. It’s one of the easiest things I’ve ever done. But trying to figure out how to live my life without her in it? That will always be one of the hardest.”

For the first time his voice breaks and I swear, the whole church breaks with him. I’m a sobbing mess, nearly incoherent with how much I hurt for him. And for Brent and Lucy who will have to grow up without the wonderful, fun-loving woman Hunter just described.

The rest of the funeral passes in a blur. Heather was cremated, so there’s no trip to the gravesite afterward, no long drawn-out graveside vigil. Just Hunter standing outside the church in a perfectly tailored black pin-striped suit, looking pale and gaunt and somehow even more beautiful for it.

I think about staying to talk to him, about waiting in line to pay my condolences. But he has enough on his plate right now without having to deal with me, too. And, if I’m being honest, I’m feeling too emotionally fragile after his eulogy to be able to handle him turning away from me. I’m afraid if he does that I’ll throw myself at him and beg him to let me help.

Somehow I don’t think he’ll thank me for it.

And so I drift slowly toward his truck—I’m still driving it until I get paid next week—trying to decide if I want to go to the wake or not. Tanner told me they’re holding it at his house, since Heather’s condo isn’t big enough for the crowd from the funeral. Part of me wants to go, but that’s the selfish part. The part that wants to try to connect with Hunter after this last week of radio silence. But today isn’t about me and it sure as hell isn’t about Hunter and me. So I’m probably better off just going home. In fact—

“Emerson! Emerson, wait!” a little girl’s voice calls from behind me and I turn to see Lucy running toward me. She’s wearing a beautiful dress with pink and green flowers, her hair loose around her shoulders. She looks both more grown up and somehow also younger than she did when I met her last week.

I try to figure out what to say to her—what does one say to a six-year-old child who has just lost her mother?—but she takes care of the awkwardness for me. Instead of stopping when she reaches me, she just keeps coming, barreling into me and throwing her arms around my waist like we’re the best of friends.

It nearly breaks my heart all over again.

“Hi, Lucy. How are you doing, baby?”

“My mommy died.” Her lower lip trembles as she stares up at me with tear-soaked green eyes that look far too much like her uncle’s.

“I know, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.”

She hugs me tight again, and I hug her back, rocking her back and forth to comfort us both.

“She gave Uncle Hunter presents to give to us. Mine is a book filled with pictures of her at prom and her wedding and lots of other important times, with room for me to put my pictures next to hers when I’m old enough for all that stuff.”

Oh my God, I think I’m going to start crying again. I bite the inside of my cheek and swallow once or a dozen times before I think I can actually force normal-sounding words out of my throat. “That sounds like an amazing present.”

“It is.” She sounds matter-of-fact when she continues, “It’s cuz she won’t get to see me when I do all those things.”

“I know, baby. I know.”

“Are you coming to Uncle Tanner’s?”

“I don’t think—”

“Please! Please come! He has a videogame room and the TV is as big as the sky. And he has a regular game room that’s also really cool. And he has an elephant in the backyard.”

“He has a real elephant?”

“Of course not, silly. It’s a statue. But it’s life-size and he lets me ride it. He has a giraffe, too. And a lion. I bet you’d like to ride the lion.”

“I would like to ride the lion.”

“So you should come. Just for a little while. Please. Everyone keeps crying and Mommy told me not to cry too much. She told me she wanted me to be happy when I think about her, but I’ve already cried a lot today. I don’t want to cry any more.”

Like I’m going to be able to say no to that? The girl has her uncle’s charm, obviously, and his ability to talk anyone into anything. Although, judging from his eulogy, Heather had that talent, too. God. They must have been unstoppable when they were together.

“Okay,” I say, hugging her close one last time. “I’ll come for a little while. But just a little while, okay?”