“We’ll take it one step at a time,” he said, putting his hand back on me. I leaned closer to him then and tried to take a deep breath to calm myself, but only got his smell, fresh laundry and cut grass, sending a heady wave up around my skull.
“I feel overwhelmed,” I said softly. “Like I’m dizzy and I’ll never get my balance again.”
“I know what you mean,” he said. “Believe me, starting a company doesn’t usually involve a life-or-death situation.”
“Life or death?” I asked, and my eyes went wide. “You think Zeke will kill someone?”
He winced and shook his head. “Bad turn of phrase. I just mean, most people don’t have to deal with organized crime when they try to open a factory, you know?”
“I guess,” I said, and deflated a bit. He moved closer, and his other hand touched my leg, and I knew I should’ve pushed that away, since it definitely crossed a line, but I needed the comfort. I leaned toward him and met his gaze.
He held me like that for several long seconds, and I studied his lips. I used to think a lot about that mouth—what it would feel like against mine, what it would say after I gave myself to him. “I used to want to lose my virginity to you, you know,” I blurted out, and immediately regretted it.
His eyes went wide, and his fingers dug into my leg. I couldn’t believe I said it, out of the blue like that, and realized I must really be having a hard time if I couldn’t even control myself. But he didn’t move, didn’t recoil, and even came closer, sending my heart into a wild frenzy. My lips parted slightly, my tongue against my teeth, and I wanted to tell him all the fantasies I used to have—of him taking me out in that park, in the forest behind my house, or even in my own bed while my mom was at work. I returned to those fantasies over the years, even when I thought I hated him. Those fantasies fueled many evenings of self-exploration.
And now I’d blurted one out like a complete and utter moron, out of absolutely nowhere.
“I wanted a lot more than that from you,” he said, his voice low and husky. “You know that, right? I didn’t leave to hurt you. I left to save myself.”
“I know,” I said, and pushed his hand off my thigh. “We made a lot of mistakes, didn’t we?” I shrugged him off my shoulder, and moved away from the table. I stood and walked away, breathing fast to try to get myself under control.
“I mean it, Jude,” he said. “I knew I screwed up, but—”
“Forget I said anything, okay?” I turned to face him again, arms crossed over my chest. “I’m just a little messed up right now from the stress.”
“I get it.” He stood and I saw pity in his eyes—freaking pity. I wanted to scream at myself and at him. Instead, I settled for getting out of there. I strode toward the front door and he followed me, though gave me space. “If you need to talk—”
“I’m fine,” I said quickly. “I don’t need to talk. I think I’ve said enough already.”
“Jude,” he said, and reached me before I could run out of the door. He took my arm and spun me toward him, and I put my hands on his chest and I was so mad at him, so freaking mad at him for coming back and putting me through this, for making me want him again after all these years, after he broke my heart and left me alone in that town with a drug addict mom and no hope for the future. I hated him, and still loved him, and wanted this nightmare to end. He stood down and kissed my cheek, his lips lingering there—
And I turned my head to stare into his eyes, his mouth so close to mine that I could taste his lips already.
I stood up on my toes and kissed him.
It was stupid and impulsive, but I’d wanted to do it for so long, and I was so angry with him, so goddamn angry, and he looked perfect, and I’d embarrassed myself already—so I threw myself into it. His hand wrapped into my hair, his other hand on the small of my back, and that kiss sent shooting stars through my closed eyes as a burst of desire ran up my spine and lingered on my tongue. My lips were numb when I pulled back, breaking it off, and he stared at me like he wanted to pull me back into the office, rip off my clothes, and finally have his way.
“I should go,” I said, and left before he could argue. I ran down the steps, burst out into the parking lot, and stood in the shade of some bushes, bent over with my hands on my knees, gasping for air.