Chapter One
Ethan
By the time I pull into my driveway, it’s dark outside. My parents didn’t even bother to leave the light on. And why would they? It’s not like they even care if I come home anymore, not after what I did.
My body hurts from training too hard, the ache burrowing deep inside my bones. Every time the phantom pain from my past comes calling, I try to ignore the throbbing sensation spreading down my thigh. But when that happens, the darkness always wins out. I never fight it. Because I love chasing the next high and the sweet rush of adrenaline as it courses through my veins.
I need the reminder that I’m still alive, even though I feel like I died a long time ago.
I should have died.
It should have been me.
Now, I’m left with the guilt, pain, and a constant reminder of how much I fucked up, the scar above my left eyebrow—another reminder. Every time I look in the mirror, I have to confront my past. If only I could embrace it before it eats me alive from the inside out.
I blink a few times to clear my vision and get out of the Mustang, a late sixties Fastback my grandfather had left to me in his will. I was born into a family with old money, the car being one of the many toys I’d inherited from Grandpa Joe along with a sizable trust fund. They say money can’t buy happiness. I know that more than anyone. Because no amount of money can erase the parts of my life I wish I could forget.
Leaning against the door, I stare up at the old colonial I moved into last year with my parents. After what had happened back in Boston, they forced me to leave my friends and relocate to Lower Merion, an upscale suburban town on the outskirts of Philadelphia.
For once, the light isn’t on in my father’s office, yet he’s home. That’s a first. He must have drunk himself to sleep. I can only hope. When the house is still, I like to sneak in through the back door to avoid my dad. He hates me for all the trouble I have caused. Even though he won’t say it, I know he wishes I’d taken my brother’s place.
I have trouble keeping my eyes open, the weight of my day and everything that came along with it hitting me all at once. After I cut through the hole in the tall hedges surrounding my property and step into my backyard, I glance over at the Roman’s house. It has the same brick front and painted shutters as mine, though the chips in their blue paint shows years of wear and neglect my father would never tolerate.
Out of the corner of my eye, I catch something moving. I look up at the top floor to find Mia pushing open the curtains to her bedroom window. She can hear the purr of the Mustang’s engine from around the corner. My best friend’s little sister is always waiting for me when I get home. And despite the shame I feel about keeping our nights together a secret, I don’t regret spending a single second with Mia Roman.
Sitting on her windowsill, Mia smiles down at me. She’s the one good thing in my life. I often catch myself thinking of what it would be like to kiss Mia. Then, I remind myself that Will, her older brother and my best friend, would kill me for even thinking about her. A girl this sweet should stay far away from a monster like me.
But once I look into her pretty blue eyes that light up every time she sees me, I’m a goner. I have trouble staying away from my precious little lamb. She’s the one girl who sees all the darkness in me and welcomes it. Mia never judges me, and I never have to hide from her.
My vision blurs slightly as I look up at her, my balance a little unsteady. Damn, how much shit did I take? On nights like these, I don’t care as long as the pain goes away.
Mia raises her hand to give me a tiny wave, which I return before she tilts her head toward the shed in the backyard. What had started as us talking to each other from our sides of the fence turned into us spending most nights together. We meet at the swing set on the opposite side of her parents’ old shed. It’s our retreat from the world. If only I had the nerve to tell her everything. But I fear she will grow to hate me, same as everyone else who knows the truth about my past, and I can’t have that.
I give her a quick nod to acknowledge I’ll meet her later. She has to wait until Will passes out before she can sneak out of the house. I wave one more time, with the promise to see her, and remove my cell phone from my pocket. Using the light from the screen, I jam my key inside the lock and push my shoulder into the door. The damn thing sticks when it’s hot outside, making it harder to avoid my parents.
Luckily, the lights are off in the kitchen, so I creep through the darkness and head toward the stairs. The house is eerily silent. Drawing unwanted attention to myself in this house will only get me in a world full of trouble. For the most part, my dad is harmless. He mostly yells and curses, taking out his frustration on me.
I climb the steps, thankful to make it to the third floor without getting hassled. But my small victory is short-lived. When I push I open my bedroom door, my dad is sitting on my bed with a wooden box in his hand. Carved by hand, from bark my grandfather had at his cabin, the box holds all of my secrets—memories of Grandpa Joe and Erik, old family photos of happier times, and the one thing I never wanted him to find.
Hidden deep beneath the velvet lining is my biggest secret, one that my father now knows. Why else would he be here?
My dad sighs when he hears my footsteps, slowly glancing up at me
with tears in his eyes. His face looks puffy as if he’s been crying for a while.
“So, this is the reason?” He holds the box out for me to take, and I do, stealing it away from him in a hurry.
Hands trembling, I flip open the top and sift through the contents.