Joy (Hell's Handlers MC 7)

“Yes,” he nodded. “That’s part of it. Shell, Crank got to you despite having a prospect on you. So much is out of my control. Makes me feel like I can’t protect you. Makes me feel like a fucking failure as both your man and the Handlers’ president.” His voice dropped as he admitted his biggest shame.

“Baby,” Shell whispered, gazing up into his eyes. “You are the furthest thing from a failure. I trust you with my life. So does every man in your club. Today was at least partly on Toni and me. We broke the rules. We ran out without Tex. I will not do anything like that again. I promise. No one expects you to carry us all on your back while fighting off the bad guys. We are all adults, responsible for ourselves. And together, we are a family who will protect each other.”

“Shell…” Words fled him, so he pressed a soft kiss to her Chapstick coated lips.

“What else? You said things like what happened today was part of it.” Her forehead scrunched. “You can’t be worried about being a good father, Aiden, because you already know you are that. Beth worships the ground you walk on, and you’re absolutely incredible with her.”

“No, it’s not that.”

“Then what? I’m trying to understand.” Frustration tinged her words.

Copper looked between their bodies, to the place covered by layers of clothing where their child grew. He placed a hand over her lower abdomen. “Your first pregnancy almost ended very differently. I can’t lose—” He stopped as an invisible hand closed around his throat, stealing his air.

“Oh, Aiden.” Shell placed her soft hands on either side of his face. Did she even realize she stroked his beard as though he was a cat? It was something she seemed to do unconsciously every time she touched his face. He’d been keeping the beard a little closer cropped than usual since they got together. Just the way she liked it. “I’m fine. You heard the doctor today. Everything looks perfect.”

“Yeah, and everything was perfect last time, too. Until it wasn’t. Until you hemorrhaged and almost bled out.” She’d suffered a placental abruption shortly before Beth’s due date, causing a life-threatening amount of blood loss and an emergency C-section. “You told me a few months ago that you wouldn’t want to automatically schedule a C-section if there was a chance you didn’t need to. It scares the fuck outta me, Shell.”

“Is that where this entire thing stems from? The whole wanting a vasectomy and the crazy reaction to hearing I’m pregnant?” She wore an expression of disbelief.

“Yes. That and the very real fact shit is going downhill with the club.”

“I can’t believe it.” She huffed out a laugh as she shook her head.

“What?”

“I just never even realized you’d worry about that. Or even think about it.”

Was she crazy? “You didn’t think I’d worry about something that almost killed you the first time happening again? Jesus, Shell, you’re fucking all I think about.” He slipped his hands under her clothes, resting them against the cool skin of her back. She practically purred as the warmth of his hands seeped into her. “You, and Beth, and the club are it. Everything. And you’re at the top of that fucking list. No matter my vow to my men. You’re fucking number one.”

He tried to pull back, but her hands tightened on his face, forcing him to make eye contact. “Aiden, I love you. And I’m not going to take any unnecessary risks with my life or our baby’s. My doctor here knows all about what happened last time, and she’s keeping a close eye on me. I’ll be seen more frequently than I was during Beth’s pregnancy. She said for now, it’s safe for me to plan to have the baby the natural way. Well, natural with a lot of drugs. If that changes, we’ll discuss our options with the doctor, and together, we’ll make a smart plan. I’m not going to do something foolish, Copper. I have way too much to live for.”

He blew out a breath as relief filled him. “Like a cranky ol’ man who flips out on you?”

With a chuckle, she said, “Yeah, he’s at the very top of my list too. But you know, maybe next time we have this conversation before the freak-out. I hear good communication is one of the keys to a lasting relationship.” She shrugged and winked. “Just sayin’.”

Shell was so much better than he deserved. For so long, he’d feared she wouldn’t want to be with a man his age. Yet sixteen years his junior and she was the one schooling him on relationships.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“I know.”

“You didn’t deserve any of the ugly I threw at you.”

Another little chuckle. “I know that too.”

“It won’t happen again, baby. The way I felt after…and the look on your face. It won’t happen again.”