She was busily engrossed in this work when she heard her bedroom door open, and thinking it must be one of the children, she got up and walked to the communicating door.
Shock held her immobile as she saw Lyle walking towards her. He never came into her room, never sought her out at all for that matter.
‘I’m sorry if I’ve disturbed you.’
How deep his voice was, sending tiny shivers of reaction quivering through her muscles. ‘But I thought it was time we sat down together and had a talk.’
‘Do you want me to come downstairs?’ How polite and stilted she sounded, she thought furiously, like a schoolgirl being hauled before a teacher for a lecture.
‘No, here’s fine.’ He sat down on her bed, leaving Jessica to take the chair.
‘You seem to be getting on very well with the boys.’
‘They are responding to me,’ she agreed cautiously.
‘Far more than they’ve ever responded to me.’ He sounded grim, and for the first time she realised how painful it must be for him to see his sons turn away from him and go instead to a stranger.
‘They’re both wary of you,’ she told him quietly. ‘I think possibly they’re frightened to trust you, because of the divorce.’
She saw the look in his eyes and wished she had not had to tell him that, but as she saw it it was the truth. ‘Stuart told me this afternoon that he thought you didn’t want them.’ She saw he was about to speak and went on quickly. ‘I told him that he was wrong, but it doesn’t help that you have to spend so much time on the practice.’
‘No, I realise that, but it wasn’t really about the boys that I wanted to talk.’
He wasn’t looking at her now but he was frowning, and suddenly she felt desperately cold, goosebumps chilling her skin. Was he going to tell her that it wasn’t working out, that he wanted to end their marriage? The fear that raced through her at the thought was shockingly illuminating, but she refused to acknowledge the truth, telling herself that it was because of the boys that she wanted to stay.
‘From my point of view this arrangement is working out extremely well—better than I’d dared hope. The boys have taken to you—that much is patently obvious, but what about you, Jessica? Tonight when James mentioned the children you might have, it struck me that from your point of view this marriage is a very bad bargain. I confess that when Justine first told me what she had done I was too blazingly angry to see past my own resentment of being forced into a marriage I didn’t want, to give too much thought to your side of things. To give up the pleasure of a husband and children of her own, merely to ease the emotional trauma of a sister, is a lot to ask of any woman, but in particular one as young and attractive as you.’
Her muscles quivered as he raised his head and looked at her. Attractive, he had called her, but not in any way that made her feel that he thought she was attractive. It had been a completely detached observation.
‘It also makes me wonder what has happened in your past to make you apparently content to accept a life without sex.’
Was he probing to see if she had been genuine? Did he suspect that she might desire him? Indignation and fear filled her in equal parts. Of course she didn’t! It would be totally undignified and pointless to want a man who had already made it plain that he had no desire for her.
‘I don’t have anything to hide if that’s what you’re asking.’ She made her voice light and careless. ‘Sex had never been a motivating force in my life; I doubt it is in more than a handful of women’s. Most of my sex put love ahead of merely physical satisfaction.’
‘And you don’t believe in love?’
‘I don’t believe that falling in love, and the consequent surge of desire it brings, is a good basis for marriage, no. Romantic love as we know it today is after all a fairly modern invention, while marriage… We’ve been through all this before,’ she reminded him, ‘but if you’re no longer happy with our contract…’
She felt his concentration sharpen, her stomach lurching as he swung his eyes to focus on her face.
‘Meaning what, exactly?’ he demanded softly.
She had angered him, she could see it in the sudden tension hardening his bones. His expression reminded her of Stuart’s when he felt most threatened, and momentarily she wanted to reach out and touch him, reassure him as she did the little boy, but she managed to push out the impulse and force herself to say calmly, ‘If you feel the marriage isn’t working, then you may want to bring it to an end.’
He was frowning now. ‘Meaning that that’s what you want?’
Exasperated, Jessica shook her head. ‘No, it isn’t. Look, you were the one who wanted to talk, I assure you that I’m quite content with the status quo.’
‘You’re content with a marriage that’s no marriage; with a life that’s completely celibate? Why, I wonder?’
Jessica didn’t like having her emotions analysed like this, it gave her a feeling of losing control, or somehow being in danger.
‘Probably because I have a very low sex drive,’ she said flippantly, ‘Some people do.’
‘So they do,’ he agreed softly. ‘But there could of course be another reason. Marriage is a very convenient cloak behind which to hide an affair.’
Jessica felt herself go tense. Was he actually accusing her of having an affair? Anger speared through her. Did he honestly believe that she had lied to him? Looking at him squarely, she said, ‘But I have already told you that I am not.’