James’s faintly accusatory voice penetrated her light sleep. As she opened her eyes Jessica glanced at her watch, horrified to see that it was gone nine. Heavens, she must have slept like a log. Her body ached, her mouth felt dry and faintly sour with the residue of last night’s alcohol, although mercifully she had no headache. Suddenly her body tensed as certain memories began to surface and refused to go away. She closed her eyes, feeling her skin go hot. Dear God, last night she had virtually seduced Lyle. Her body crawled with shame and anguish. Why on earth hadn’t he stopped her? Her mouth twisted slightly. Why should she expect him to be any more impervious to desire than she was herself? It would be only natural for him to be in an aroused state after all Janet’s determined flirting. She shuddered to think of her body being used as a substitute for that of the other woman, her eyes suddenly dry and gritty.
‘Jessica?’
James was beside her bed now, looking down at her with a small frown. ‘Dad said I wasn’t to disturb you, but Stuart and I are hungry, and Dad’s had to go out on an emergency call.’
‘I’m getting up now,’ Jessica told him, knowing that it was pointless staying in bed any longer. At least she didn’t have to face Lyle immediately, although what on earth she was going to say to explain her behaviour when she did see him, she had no idea.
In the end, even though she castigated herself mentally for being a coward, she decided that her best course of action was simply to let Lyle raise the subject if he wished to. She shivered a little. If he raised it? Surely he was bound to do so? After all he had been very definite when he stated the rules of their marriage, and on this occasion she had most definitely been the one to break them.
He came into the kitchen while she was washing up the breakfast dishes. Both boys were in the garden, and although she had heard his car she had resolutely kept her back to the door, not knowing how much she might betray if she had to face him.
As he opened the door, her throat suddenly went dry with apprehension and she ran the cold tap, filling a glass and then sipping the cold water.
‘Hangover?’
He was standing right behind her, and Jessica winced at the harsh sound of his voice. He had every reason to sound condemnatory, and it was quite ridiculous for her to wish that he would take her in his arms and tell her that he loved her—ridiculous and impossible.
Without turning she shook her head, and then mumbled, ‘Not that I don’t deserve one.’ Her face was hot as she remembered how much she had drunk the previous night, and how she had behaved when he tried to stop her.
Silence greeted her remark. Keeping her back to him Jessica took a deep breath and fibbed, ‘I’m afraid I can’t remember much about last night at all.’
She could feel the tension gripping her, the sick knowledge that for the first time in her life she had told a deliberate lie, but she could simply not stand there in torment any longer waiting for the blow to fall. Now she had given him the ideal opportunity to tell her in no uncertain terms exactly what had happened, but to her stunned disbelief she felt him move slightly away from her, the legs of one of the kitchen chairs scraping across the floor as he pulled it out from the table and sat down.
His s
ilence forced her to turn round and look at him. He was frowning slightly, his face drawn and tired; guilt and love twisted painfully inside her. She wanted to go to him and beg him to understand why she had behaved as she had, but fear stopped her. Now she knew exactly why Andrea had preferred to believe that David was having an affair with her rather than someone else; why her sister continued in her marriage even though she knew her husband to be unfaithful. Now at last she understood how crippling this emotion called love could be.
She waited tensely for Lyle to speak, to tell her that she had broken their agreement, but instead all he said was, ‘Mmm, I gathered you weren’t used to consuming that amount of alcohol, which leads me to wonder why you did.’
He was looking at her now, and there was no way she could drag her gaze from his. His mouth widened in a parody of a smile, his voice chillingly disdainful as he added, ‘The strain of seeing your lover with your sister, perhaps?’
After everything that had happened did he still believe she loved David? Jessica clutched at the excuse he had thrown her, unable to believe that he had not guessed the truth. Without answering his taunt she set about making some coffee, and as though he had not really expected any answer to his question, Lyle began to look through the papers.
The ordeal was over, Lyle was not going to bring up the subject of last night. Perhaps he thought that she genuinely did not remember what had happened. Perhaps he felt that he himself was in some part to blame for giving way to his own physical needs. Perhaps because of the boys he did not want to set aside their marriage. She had after all established a good bond with them, and that had been the main reason he had married her.
She should have felt happy and relieved that nothing was going to be said, but instead, ridiculously, she found herself wishing that he would say something; that he would at least acknowledge the fact that they had been lovers, and not simply ignore the event as though it had never happened; as though it was so unimportant that it was not even worth remembering or discussing.
CHAPTER TEN
A WEEK AFTER Andrea’s dinner party, Justine called and unwittingly confirmed Jessica’s own view as to why Lyle had made no mention of what had happened that night.
She and Jessica were sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee, and keeping an eye on the three boys, who were playing on the lawn on their bikes. Peter had just had a birthday, and had brought his brand new BMX round to show his cousins. The earlier antipathy which had existed between them had now gone, and noting this Justine said affectionately to Jessica, ‘It’s all your doing, you know. You’ve given them so much, Jess. Sometimes when I look at them now I can’t believe the difference you’ve made in their lives. It’s shattering, really, to realise what a difference genuine love and caring mean to a child.’
‘They were loved before I came along,’ Jessica reminded her abruptly. ‘Lyle loved them.’
‘Yes, I know, but they couldn’t communicate with one another, could they: Lyle was still suffering from his guilt about Heather’s death—not that I believe he should have blamed himself. She always was impetuous and selfish, but the fact that he did feel guilty, that because of Heather he had seen so little of the boys, created a wall between them. I must say it’s rather nice for once to know that I was right and my dear brother was wrong. He never wanted…’
She broke off, colouring slightly, but Jessica merely gave her a bright smile and said as cheerfully as she could, ‘Oh, it’s all right, Jus, I know he didn’t want to marry me—at least not at first.’
‘Maybe so, but I can’t believe there’s any doubt in his mind now about the success of your marriage. The boys adore you, and Lyle himself looks so much more relaxed. The pair of you fit well together, Jess.’
‘Our marriage is a business arrangement and nothing more,’ Jessica felt bound to point out to the other woman, while wondering if perhaps Justine had just given her Lyle’s reason for not bringing up the matter of her tipsy seduction of him: namely that he didn’t want to prejudice their relationship because of his sons.
‘I know it started off that way,’ Justine agreed, ‘but I don’t think you’re anywhere near as indifferent to him as you pretend, Jess, nor him to you. I’ve seen you together,’ she continued before Jessica could interrupt. ‘Oh, I know Lyle doesn’t give much away! Heather hurt him badly, but that was his own fault. Anyone could have seen how selfish she was, but Lyle chose not to, and instead put her on a pedestal. I’ve been telling him for years that just because one woman let him down that’s no reason to condemn the entire female sex.’
‘Love isn’t something that can be cut off at will,’ Jessica pointed out to her. ‘If Lyle still loves Heather…’
‘Loves her?’ Justine looked stunned. ‘Good God, whatever gave you that idea? By the time they were divorced Lyle well and truly despised her. Initially he tried to persuade her to keep the marriage going because of the boys, but she told him she couldn’t care less about them, and that if she’d had her way she’d never have given birth to them. She was bitter because she had had to abandon her own medical training half way through, bitter and jealous of Lyle’s success, and so she told him she was going to keep the boys and that he had to support all three of them so that she could go back to her studies.