Force of Feeling

‘No. No, I’m not.’ She saw the way he looked at her, and laughed harshly. ‘Don’t you think that I wish I was? I know the truth, Guy. I had it pointed out to me and underlined quite plainly when I was nineteen.’

‘How?’

She stared at him, shocked into silence by his question. How had they got to this point? How had she been stupid enough to

betray so much to him?

She looked round the small room, seeking an escape.

‘You tell me that you aren’t desirable. Well, I’m telling you that you are. Would you like me to show you just how much I want you, Campion? When I carried you up to bed last night, I wanted to stay with you. The reason I walked out last night was because I couldn’t trust myself to stay. I look at you and I ache to touch you, to make love to you.’

‘No! No, I won’t listen. You’re lying to me. Craig—’

‘Craig,’ he pounced, watching her. ‘Who’s Craig?’

She was shivering with a mixture of shock and pain, but he made no attempt to touch her, to comfort her.

‘My—my ex-husband…’

She had surprised him now. She saw it in his face; in the way he suddenly went very still, his gaze sharpening and hardening slightly.

‘You’ve been married…’

Suddenly, she picked up his thoughts.

‘What did you think? That I was still virginal and inexperienced?’ she asked bitterly. ‘At my age? Yes, I’ve been married. I was married when I was nineteen.’

‘And when did you and your husband part?’

She thought about lying to him, but dismissed the notion and said tiredly, ‘A week after we were married. He didn’t want me. He just wanted my parents’ money, and once he realised that it wouldn’t be forthcoming he couldn’t wait to get rid of me.’

‘You’d been lovers…’

‘Yes. Before we were married, we—he made love to me. He told me he thought I might be pregnant. I believed him, and so we ran away and got married.’ She shrugged. ‘I was very young…very naïve.’

‘And because of this—this man, you really believe that you’re undesirable? Because one man—’ he began incredulously. ‘I don’t believe I’m hearing this!’

‘No, Craig made me see the truth, that’s all. I’m just not the kind of woman that men desire.’ She wasn’t going to repeat the insults and taunts that Craig had thrown at her; words that she could never forget, wounds that would never heal.

‘I don’t want to talk about it any more. I’ve got work to do.’

‘Because of one man, you’re going to shut the rest of the male sex out of your life, is that it? Because you’re afraid…’

He was going to touch her. Campion could sense it, and suddenly she was panic-stricken. If he did… She stood up abruptly, pushing past him, ignoring him as he called out her name. She had to get away. She had to be on her own. Her mind and emotions were in such turmoil.

He caught up with her in the kitchen.

‘I’m going for a walk. I want to be on my own.’

Perhaps something in her face warned him not to touch her, because he stepped back slightly.

‘All right, if that’s what you want, but you’re wrong, you know, Campion. And he was wrong, too…’

As she pulled on her boots, she turned on him, her expression fierce and proud.

‘I’m not a fool, Guy, not any more. I realise that flirting comes as naturally to you as breathing, but that doesn’t disguise the truth. Physically, men find me repellant. I know that, and no amount of you pretending it isn’t true is going to change things.’

He looked angry now, really angry. He came up to her and grabbed hold of her arm so that she almost fell over. Instinctively, she clung on to him, and then wished she hadn’t as her senses were overwhelmed by the nearness of him. She started to shake, but he seemed unaware of her vulnerability. His grip on her arm tightened as he looked down into her face.