As she opened the bathroom door she knew that the moment he looked at her he would be able to tell something was wrong; a brief glimpse of her own reflection in the bathroom mirror had betrayed her over-bright eyes and flushed face, and with it the tension and the fear she could feel churning sickly through her. What was she panicking for? What was she trying to hide? She had done nothing wrong—it was not her fault. If she was pregnant then it was a joint problem, something they would share as they had shared everything else—thank God Ben was here. As she ran towards him, she recognised wi
th a small shock of surprise how vulnerable she felt, how uncharacteristically in need of his support, his strength; how dependent and afraid… how desperately in need of his love and comfort.
As she ran towards him she was conscious of a sudden lightening of the pressure and tension tightening her body, a sudden lifting of the burden which had descended so heavily and unexpectedly on to her shoulders.
‘Ben…’
‘I’ve got to go to Manchester, Zoe.’
He barely seemed even to look at her as he hurried past her and into the bedroom.
‘I had a phone call at work from Ma. Apparently Sharon’s been rushed into the hospital. Some complications with the baby…’
‘But Ben, I need…’
She stopped as he emerged from the bedroom and she realised that he hadn’t heard her, wasn’t even listening to her, seemed in fact virtually oblivious to her presence, other than as a sounding-board to bounce off his own irritation and ire.
‘This is all I need,’ she heard him muttering angrily. ‘I’ve already got Aldo on my back about the time I’ve had off and now he’s started complaining that customers are getting bored with the menus. Whose fault is that? Not mine,’ Ben told her forcefully. ‘I’ve been pressing him for months now to let me change things, but would he? Not a chance in hell, but now suddenly, when things go wrong, it’s all my fault.
‘Any news from Clive?’ he asked her, focusing on her.
Zoe held her breath. He must see now surely how upset she was; must realise that something was seriously wrong… Must know how desperately she needed him to reach out and help her to rescue her from the panic and fear which engulfed her.
His gaze was sharpening now, a small frown appearing between his eyebrows as his eyes narrowed on her. She held her breath, her heart beating as relief poured through her. He must see now how upset she was.
‘Clive, Zoe,’ he repeated snappily, oblivious to her need. Zoe could hear the irritation in his voice quite plainly, but it was several seconds before first her body and then her emotions reacted to it, her muscles tensing, her throat clogging with unfamiliar and wholly unexpected tears.
‘Zoe, for God’s sake,’ Ben demanded exasperatedly. ‘What’s got into you? What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing,’ she told him, turning away from him. It was too late for him to ask her that question now. He should have asked it before… should have seen… should have recognised…
‘Look, I’ve got to go,’ she heard him saying. ‘I’ll give you a ring as soon as I know what’s happening… I might have to stay up there for a couple of days.
‘God, of all the times for this to happen…’ The irritation was back in his voice, but Zoe had distanced herself from it now.
What was wrong with her, anyway? she asked herself numbly as she watched him flinging a change of clothes into an overnight bag, her emotions still deadened by the shock of his inability to recognise her need.
She was always the one who had been the strong one, the one who had directed their relationship, who had supported him. And yet now, the first time she required help, what happened? He couldn’t even recognise her need, never mind respond to it… He didn’t even know, never mind care… All he was concerned about was whether or not they had heard from Clive.
Didn’t he realise what was happening? She was pregnant! Pregnant with their child, the child that could ruin all their plans… all their hopes. The child who should never have been conceived. She needed him to share her fear with. She was so afraid, so filled with panic and shock, so in need of his support, of him; of being able to share her disbelief and fear with him, but he didn’t want to know… couldn’t see… Didn’t want to see.
He was coming towards her, carrying his bag in one hand, his jacket in the other, his forehead still creased in that harsh rejecting frown.
As he stopped beside her and bent his head, she turned her own face away so that his mouth touched her cheek and not her lips. She could feel the pain and fear burning through her body, tight with the tension of not vocally giving way to what she was feeling.
‘This is all we want right now, isn’t it?’ he muttered grimly as he straightened up. ‘Sharon and her damned baby…’
As she heard the bitterness in his voice Zoe’s body trembled, her heartbeat a fierce kick of sensation slamming sickly against her ribs.
A sensation of icy cold shock poured over her, thrilling her with the fearful realisation of the truth.
Ben had not realised or recognised her need because subconsciously he did not want to recognise it. Just as he would not want to recognise her pregnancy, her child—her child—her problem, not theirs?
For a long time after Ben had gone she stood in the middle of the small living-room simply staring emptily into space, and then, with a small shudder, she focused abruptly on the open door to the bedroom.
What was the matter with her? She had always known that Ben did not want children and neither did she. They had both agreed on what they wanted from their lives, had both shared the same heady thrill of excitement in planning their immediate future.
Zoe remembered how sorry she had felt for Ann when the latter had first told her she was pregnant, and how strongly supportive she herself had always been of a woman’s right to choose whether or not she decided to go ahead with a pregnancy accidentally started.