As he looked up he was aware of Sondra trying to catch his eye, smiling at him under her lashes as she flirted with the bemused young aide she was talking to.
He smiled back. How could he ever have imagined he was attracted to her? She was attractive, yes—sexually aware of herself, intelligent too… but she was not Eleanor.
As soon as he could, he walked over to her.
‘Look, I want to get back
to London as quickly as I can,’ he told her, adding before she could say anything, ‘There’s no need for you to cut short your visit, though. You’ve still got all those art galleries and museums to see, and by the looks of it you seem to have found someone far better equipped than me to show them to you,’ he added with a brief glance in the direction of the jealously watching aide.
She tried to dissuade him, pouting a little, protesting that he surely could stay on a little longer, but Marcus shook his head firmly, disengaging her hand from his arm as he stepped back from her.
‘Well, if you have to go…’
‘It isn’t a matter of having to,’ he told her softly.
He left her and went to find the ambassador, explaining that he had to leave to catch an early flight. They had met before on several occasions and Marcus chatted with him for a few minutes before finally taking his leave. He was asked if he intended to become a permanent feature in Brussels or The Hague and Marcus replied, ‘I doubt it. It would mean spending too much time away from my family and that’s a sacrifice I’m not prepared to make.’
‘Can’t say I blame you,’ the diplomat agreed.
There was still a long way to go, Marcus reminded himself as he boarded his plane; a hell of a long way and most of it over some very tricky ground indeed, but at least he had made a start; at least he could now acknowledge that the journey needed to be made, and in which direction.
And Nell? Would she be prepared to make it with him, to help him over the rough patches, guide him when necessary? He winced as he remembered the things he had said to her. If the house really meant that much to her, surely they could find some way of reaching a compromise… a small flat in London for him during the week perhaps, until such time as he could make the transition from Q.C. to the Bench.
As a circuit judge he would still have to spend time away from home, and it would be dishonest of him not to admit that he would miss the cut and thrust of pleading a case, but there were other things he needed to do now… other people he had to consider. Was it already too late to stop Vanessa from repeating his own mistakes, to show her the love, give her the security he now acknowledged he had subconsciously withheld, help her perhaps to become the parent he himself had not possessed the strength to be?
Nell would show him the way… help him, support him…
Nell…
* * *
‘So what are you going to do?’
Eleanor shook her head as she looked across at Jade. ‘I don’t know. If he is having an affair…’
‘You don’t know that for sure,’ Jade reminded her.
‘No,’ Eleanor agreed tiredly. ‘I do know one thing, though, and that is that it’s pointless going ahead with the house now. I’ll have to tell the agents.’
Her eyes filled with tears, which she shook away. ‘I feel so stupid, Jade. How could I not have known what he was feeling? Why didn’t he say something to me? Why did he just let me go on believing that…? Why couldn’t I see…?’
‘You’re not God,’ Jade told her drily. ‘You can’t be expected to second-guess everything, although sometimes you’d think that’s exactly what is expected of us. You’ll never guess what Sam said to me the other night. He claimed that I was using this job in New York as a means of getting out of making a commitment to him! There I am bending over backwards not to make him feel pressured or trapped, not to let him know how important he is to me, dammit, and he accuses me of not caring, when the truth is that I care far too damn much. Perhaps that’s why Marcus said nothing, Nell… perhaps he was afraid that, if he did, he might find out that the house was more important to you than him…’
‘What?’ Eleanor stared at her. ‘That’s ridiculous… Marcus knows how important to me he is… how much I love him. I only wanted the house because… No, you’re wrong, Jade. To tell the truth, I don’t think Marcus cares what I feel for him any longer. These days, when he looks at me, I get the impression that all he sees is a woman who’s a failure… in her career, with her children… with his daughter and with him… Look, I’ve taken up enough of your time. I know how busy you are,’ she added as she stood up. ‘Thanks for listening…’
‘You know what your main trouble is, don’t you?’ Jade told her, as she too got to her feet and they made their way through the crowded restaurant. ‘You put yourself down too much. OK, so I listened… once. What’s that compared with all the times you’ve listened to me? Talk to Marcus, Nell,’ she urged her. ‘Tell him how you feel… what you think.…’
Eleanor gave her a tired smile. ‘I’ll try, but what’s the point if he doesn’t want to listen?’ And she went outside.
There was one thing she had to do before she saw the agent… before Marcus came back from The Hague.
This time she was firmly direct with Mrs Garvey when she told her that she wanted her to stay when the boys returned from school.
‘Well, I suppose I could stay on… just this once,’ the older woman agreed grudgingly.
Eleanor picked up her keys, and the letter she had written to Louise telling her not just how upset she had been by the fact that her partner had not informed her that Monsieur Colbert had been trying to get in touch with her, but pointing out as well that, since they had been equal partners in the business, it was only fair that Louise take on equal responsibility for ending it.
What she was doing, what she should have done weeks ago, she acknowledged, was taking charge of her life again, trying to master her own inner fears of inadequacy and failure. After all, if she and Marcus were to separate, to divorce, she would need to be strong, to…