For Better for Worse

Ben had made it just in time for the birth, driven north by Zoe’s father, who had taken the phone call from Ben’s mother to alert them to what had happened.

When Ben had burst into the labour suite, his face white with anxiety and tension, Zoe hadn’t realised at first that he was remembering, reliving the despair of the hours he had spent in the same hospital holding his sister’s hand while she struggled to give birth to her stillborn child, nor of the fears which had kept him awake at night throughout Zoe’s own pregnancy, fears of retribution in the form of the loss of his own child, and of Zoe herself.

That knowledge had come later, when all three of them were back at home, the baby safely asleep in her cradle, Zoe tucked in bed, protesting that she was perfectly healthy and that there was no need for Ben to treat her like an invalid and that no, she did not want a bowl of chicken soup.

They had both laughed then as Ben mimicked Sarah Bernstein’s warning from his childhood, that no child could grow strong and healthy without it. ‘I’d like Sarah to be one of the godparents,’ he had told her. And then he had bent down and lifted Katie very gently from her cradle, holding her in his arms.

It was then that Zoe had known, had seen the depth and intensity of the love illuminating his face.

When Ben had turned round and seen her crying, he had put the baby down and come straight over to her, anxiety creasing his face.

‘Zoe, what is it, what’s wrong?’ he had asked her, and with new maturity she had recognised behind his tension not only his love for her, but all his years of taking as his own burden the responsibility for the comfort and happiness of those closest to him.

‘Nothing’s wrong,’ she had told him. ‘It’s just that I love you so much…’

As she said it she recognised how true it was and how much she had misjudged him in thinking, fearing that beneath his apparent acceptance of her pregnancy might he a resentment not so much of her, but of their child; and that that resentment could turn to outright jealousy of their baby, a demand to be constantly told that he came first in her life.

She couldn’t have been further from the truth, she acknowledged ruefully to herself now. If anyone was inclined to feel jealous, it was her; not that she really minded the mutual adoration society which had sprung up between Ben and Katie.

She had also discovered that, deep though her sense of mother love was, she also appreciated the time she had to herself when Ben took over. She enjoyed the hours she put in at the restaurant, the sense of self that came from being a working part of their business, and she enjoyed it all the more because that enjoyment was free of any sense of guilt that she was somehow depriving Katie.

Her dread that she would have to take on the role of loving her not just as a mother but in lieu of a father as well had gone, well and truly banished by Ben’s relationship with their daughter.

‘Are you all ready for your exams?’ Zoe asked her mother now.

‘I am. Your father’s a nervous wreck,’ her mother laughed.

‘How do you like having him at home so much now that he’s semi-retired?’ Zoe asked her.

‘I’m getting used to it now. At first I wasn’t so sure it was going to work,’ her mother admitted. ‘After all the years of silently feeling slightly martyred because he was away so much and so wrapped up in his work, it was very difficult coming to terms with the fact that, once he did what I thought I’d always wanted and cut down on his work so that we could spend more time together, there were times when I almost resented his being there and felt quite stifled by his presence.’

‘He’s terrifically proud of you, you know,’ Zoe told her mother. ‘When he came round the other week he was boasting to Ben and me about how well you’re doing on this course.’

Her mother laughed. ‘Yes, I know. He keeps telling people that he’s going to retire completely and send me out to work. I’m glad you’re keeping your own work, Zoe. I hadn’t realised how much I’d started to resent being so totally dependent on your father, not just financially, but emotionally… every way. Nor that he felt a similar resentment towards me. A healthy relationship needs a good helping of mutual respect. Your father might not have liked it at first when I announced what I was going to do, but now…

‘Do you know, we

actually stay up late at night now, talking to each other…’

They both laughed and then her mother added thoughtfully, ‘It’s strange, but there comes a point in a long-term relationship when to find it exciting and stimulating to talk to one another is actually more erotic than sex…’

‘Oh, yes?’ Zoe laughed. ‘That’s not the impression I got the other Sunday when I rang and caught the pair of you still in bed together. And don’t tell me you were just reading the papers…’

Her mother laughed and blushed slightly.

‘Here’s Ben now,’ Zoe told her as she heard the front door open.

Through the open sitting-room door, Zoe could hear her daughter gurgling contentedly.

‘Hi… we’re back.’

As Ben walked into the sitting-room, Katie in his arms, Zoe wondered if she would ever quite lose the grateful feeling of wonderment and joy, of somehow being singled out especially by fate to receive some of her most precious and extravagant gifts, she felt whenever she saw Ben and Katie together.

As her mother lifted Katie from Ben’s arms, cooing dotingly over her, Ben smiled softly at Zoe.

‘Missed me?’ he asked her.

‘Missed you? You’ve only been gone half an hour,’ Zoe scoffed, but her eyes told him a different story as she lifted her face for his kiss.