"I'm thrilled to hear it," Lady Dunbridge replied. "Especially if you intend to continue paying late-night calls alone and in nothing more than your nightgown."
"I didn't take the time to dress because I didn't want to wake you."
"Try again," Lady Dunbridge said.
Sarah frowned. Aunt Etta had always had the ability to see through her. She had always known when Sarah attempted to tell anything except the entire truth. "I didn't take the time to dress because I didn't want to wake you and because I wanted to be able to slip back into the hotel and into bed without anyone knowing — including you." Sarah met her aunt's gaze. "And because I thought I might have a better chance of persuading Lord Shepherdston to help me if I had something to offer."
"What were you offering?" Lady Dunbridge narrowed her gaze at her niece. "And what did you want Lord Shepherdston to help you do?"
"I was offering myself," Sarah whispered. "Because I wanted Lord Shepherdston to help me become a courtesan."
Lady Dunbridge coughed. "I had no idea your ambitions ran in that direction." She stared at her niece. "I would have sworn that you were the wife and mother sort."
"That's what he said," Sarah admitted.
"Who?"
"Ja — I mean, Lord Shepherdston," Sarah continued, "said there was no getting aroun
d it, I was meant to be a wife. He said I was meant to be married and meant to have a husband and children."
"So," Lady Dunbridge sighed, "you haven't outgrown it." Sarah had been chasing after Jarrod Shepherdston since she was five.
"Outgrow it?" Sarah was stunned by the concept.
Lady Dunbridge shrugged her shoulders. "It happens, my dear. People grow out of love every day."
"Did you outgrow what you felt for Uncle Cal?"
"Yes, I did." Lady Dunbridge surprised Sarah with her frankness. "And it only took me four years."
Sarah could hardly believe her ears. "What happened?"
"I couldn't continue to love him once I realized the rumors were true."
"What rumors?" Sarah had always believed Aunt Etta had been madly in love with her handsome lord.
"The rumors that he'd only married me to secure an heir. His first wife was barren, you know. I couldn't believe my good fortune when he began paying court to me. He was older and incredibly handsome and a viscount and I was the daughter of a baronet. I fell madly, passionately in love with him and believed he felt the same way about me. He was a tender, ardent lover and I thought I was the most fortunate of wives. But I failed to produce an heir or any child after two years of marriage and Calvin blamed me. He grew increasingly distant. When he began spending less time with me and more time in London, I began to pay attention to the whispers that Calvin had a mistress. It was true and, what's more, he had loved her for years."
Sarah stared at her aunt. "What did you do?"
"What could I do?" Lady Dunbridge replied. "We were married. I had to make the best of it. So I told myself that being a viscountess was enough. But it wasn't. It might have been foolish, but I had romantic dreams. I knew the way of the world, but I wanted to be loved and I wanted my husband to be the person who loved me. Since that wasn't likely to happen, I told myself that I would not love a man who didn't love me. I told myself that I would learn not to love him and, after two years of being rejected and neglected, I succeeded." She met Sarah's gaze. "I was married for ten years and for six of those years, I pretended to be happy. I pretended not to mind staying alone in London or spending longer periods of time on my own in the country. Until one day, I no longer had to pretend. I was living in Helford Green when I received word that Calvin had died in his mistress's arms in London."
"Weren't you angry?" Sarah asked.
"I was furious at him for not returning my love and for making me feel inadequate. But most of all, I was furious at myself for wasting all those years turning myself inside out loving someone who didn't want the love I offered and who blamed me for his own failings. When your mother became ill, I was glad to be able to move into the rectory and help your father take care of you. You are my sister's child, but you're the daughter I dreamed of having." She smiled at Sarah. "My anger died with Calvin. If I have any regrets, it's that I was completely faithful to Calvin from the day I met him until the day he died. I wish I had had the courage to approach the man I wanted and ask him to be my lover."
"It's not as simple as it sounds," Sarah warned. "It's embarrassing to ask and even worse when they refuse." She looked at her aunt. "And Lord Shepherdston flatly refused to do as I asked."
"Of course he did," Lady Dunbridge said. "You're an innocent and he is a man of honor."
"You haven't seen him in ages," Sarah reminded her aunt. "How do you know he's a man of honor?"
"That's simple," Lady Dunbridge replied. "If he weren't a man of honor, you would no longer be innocent."
"I went to him because I no longer wanted to be innocent," Sarah protested.
"You went hoping that if you offered yourself to him, he would fall to his knees, declare his love, and beg you to marry him — and you would have your heart's desire."