Southern Hotshot (North Carolina Highlands 2)

I close the door behind me, then close my eyes. Enough. Enough of this Samuel bullshit. He’s a coworker. End of story. Any other relationship we might’ve had—sexual, romantic, whatever—was never supposed to happen.

That’s what Blue is for.

In the meantime, I’ll keep my relationship with Samuel strictly professional. No more attempts to get him to open up. No more opening up to him. We don’t need to be close to do our work, although it would’ve certainly helped.

That ship has sailed.

Chat #3

MyBoyBlue4: Confession: I just defeated the worst case of blue balls I’ve had in my life, so I’m not sure how much energy I have left.

LadyV76: You’ve been a very bad boy.

MyBoyBlue4: But really. I’m a piece of shit.

LadyV76: Hey. Don’t beat yourself up, it’s just internet sex. TBH, I’m not really in the mood to get down either. Bad day. Well, great day, but it ended on a pretty terrible note, so. Yeah. If you want to take a rain check, I understand.

MyBoyBlue4: Thanks for understanding. I had an awful night too.

LadyV76: Why don’t you just jerk off?

MyBoyBlue4: Long story. I know you don’t like to get personal, so I won’t go there. Any chance you’re free tomorrow for that rain check?

LadyV76: Wait, wait, wait. I know I’m breaking my own rules here, but I really don’t want to be alone right now. I’m happy to hang around for a bit and chat if you are.

MyBoyBlue4: God yes. Talk to me, V. What’s on your mind?

LadyV76: I try to follow my heart and take the right risks. But a couple of things happened today that made me question whether that’s the right way to live.

MyBoyBlue4: Lol. Wow okay, you went deep right off the bat.

LadyV76: I do like it deep.

MyBoyBlue4: I do too. At least since I’ve met you. You talked about this before, second-guessing yourself, and it made me think. Like, until I started chatting with you, I never really questioned much at all. I was certain about who I was and what I liked. I never really bothered trying new things because I thought I’d done it all.

LadyV76: Why’d you start chatting with me then?

MyBoyBlue4: See, that’s just it. On the outside, everything was perfect. But inside, I was lonely. Still am. For so long, I could ignore that loneliness because I was busy AF. But after a while, it got louder and wouldn’t leave me alone. I guess the stuff I did to keep it quiet wasn’t working anymore. So I thought hey, maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for on the internet.

LadyV76: Typical millennial.

MyBoyBlue4: I know right? PS I’m 35, *am* I a millennial? Let me confer with Google.

LadyV76: I’m 31, and I’m definitely a millennial. You are too, I think.

MyBoyBlue4: Yep, Google tells me I’m right in the millennial range #facts. Anyway, I see that going to the internet was a bonehead move. But there’s an element of anonymity here that I need. The universe must’ve been looking out for me because I found you, and you showed me I like to be dominated. Never would’ve thought it, but now that I know that about myself, it makes me wonder all the other things I’m wrong about. I’m wrong about a lot.

LadyV76: I love everything about this. I’ve made you hungry for more! More sci-fi-based fantasy scenarios and more self-exploration.

MyBoyBlue4: Exactly. But it’s scary. I find myself doing stupid stuff, like lashing out and shit, when I’m pushed out of my comfort zone. I’ve got this one coworker in particular…she’s constantly pushing me, and while part of me hates her for it, another part of me knows she’s right.

LadyV76: I like this coworker.

MyBoyBlue4: I like you.

[A pause]

MyBoyBlue4: Shit, I went too far, didn’t I?

LadyV76: It’s nice to hear. I like you too, Blue. I like how uncomplicated this feels, you know? It’s a welcome antidote to how messy my life feels right now.

MyBoyBlue4: Look at us, two sad sacks.

LadyV76: Misery loves company.

MyBoyBlue4: I’m not miserable when I’m with you. I didn’t think I was miserable in my real life until I met you. But now, the difference between how free I feel in this chat room and how trapped I feel outside of it…

LadyV76: It’s making you think. That’s not a bad thing. It just sucks at first. I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea that actually living the dream I’ve been after for years is so much harder than I anticipated.

MyBoyBlue4: Maybe that’s the point?

LadyV76: I just need to catch a fucking break already. A little bit of sun.

MyBoyBlue4: I can relate. The rain keeps coming, doesn’t it? I have this feeling that the storm’s only just begun for me.

LadyV76: For me too. Only way out is through. Such a depressing thought, though.

MyBoyBlue4: How about I lighten the mood then? Tell me about your first.