Made me think that whether I open up or not, life’s gonna hurt. So why not pick the path that allows me to experience joy along with the pain? It’ll take practice, but I’m willing to try.
The first thing that came up when I started to think about who I really am: I’m a guy who plays fair. And I haven’t played fair with Emma. Not by a long shot. After the Charleston Heat luncheon, I realized what an asset she truly is. When I think about her quitting now, I get a legit stomachache. I just hope it’s not too late to repair the damage I’ve done.
Second thing: I’m a guy who loves to feed people. So I’m going to feed Emma. At the very least, her hands might stop shaking at work. I know better than to hope for more than that, but…yeah, I’m praying my peace offering will at least get her to look at me.
“Who’s ‘she’?” Rhett asks. He’s at the farm for a weekend visit. His primary residence is in Vegas, but during the off-season, he comes up here often.
“Our new somm.” I meet my brother’s eyes in all seriousness. “I think she may want to kill me.”
“Ah, right. Hank wouldn’t shut up about her. Said she’s great.” He tilts his head. “You deserve it?”
“Yup.”
He crosses himself. “Baby Jesus, please bless our endeavor with Your divine favor, Amen.”
We load up my favorite pickup truck. It’s a 1967 Chevy, impeccably restored in cobalt blue to match my alma mater.
It’s also my least obnoxious ride. A Tesla, a Rolls, and a G-Wagon painted a custom shade of matte black with bright gold rims are lined up beside it. If I pulled up at Emma’s door in the G-Wagon, I can guarantee you she’d tell me to go fuck myself. I need her to see that I can be flashy and down to earth. I can be a dick, but there’s also a hidden damsel inside me. I contain multitudes. If only I could figure out how to manage those multitudes so they don’t piss me off or drive me to push everyone away.
“You got flour in your hair,” Rhett says as we head down the road to Emma’s cottage. “Want to talk about it?”
“Meh,” I reply, keeping my eyes glued to the windshield.
“Cool,” he replies. “I’ll be right here when you’re ready.” I shove the truck in park in front of Emma’s place.
“Whatever happens, we do not leave here until she takes this food. Understood?”
Rhett dips his head. “Yessir. Is it cool if I ask if y’all are sleeping together? You and the somm?”
Heat floods my face. “No, Rhett, it is absolutely not cool to ask about my sex life.”
“You haven’t boned yet, but you want to.” Rhett grins. “Y’all both got it bad, huh?”
Hand on the door latch, I shoot daggers at my baby brother with my glare. The lie’s on the tip of my tongue. It’d be easy. So damn easy to deny and ignore and go on my merry way.
But instead, I fall back on the seat and close my eyes, plucking at my swollen eyelids with my thumb and forefinger. I’m tired, so damn tired of pretending. Living that way hasn’t made me feel merry in a long-ass time, which is why I’m determined to change.
“Please don’t tell Beau,” I say, keeping my voice low. “I promised him I’d keep it in my pants. But things with Emma—they just keep getting out of hand. I don’t know what to do, Rhett.”
Rhett puts a hand on my shoulder. “I won’t say a thing. I’m sorry, brother, that you’ve gotten yourself into a pickle. It’s not like you.”
“I know,” I say. “I feel like I met her and hated her, and now all of a sudden, I adore her and I’m in deep. She’s doing everything right while I’m over here getting it all wrong. I’m gonna fix it. Well, I hope I can fix it, anyway, but I’m not entirely sure how.”
“You’re scared.” He squeezes my shoulder. “That’s a totally natural response. But you being a prick? That isn’t. You’re better than that.”
Pushing the heel of my hand into the steering wheel, I curl my fingers around it and hold it in a death grip. “Mama and Daddy raised us better than that. Yes, I know.”
“You really do know.” Rhett holds up the casseroles. “Exhibit A. See? You’re headed in the right direction. I think maybe you’re getting overwhelmed by the bigger picture here. Coach is always using this metaphor of, you know, how do you eat an elephant? You do it one bite at a time. How do you engage in sexual relations with your coworker without it blowing up in your faces? You move in the right direction one step at a time.”