I hoped Neil was happy now. I truly wanted that for him, but it didn’t change what I had to do for myself in order to survive the loss of him.
I knew what I knew. I’d have been completely unable to share him with Cora, no matter how limited their relationship. She would forever hold a piece of him, and I would covet that precious part of him that had been stolen from me. The familiarity Neil would have had to maintain with Cora surely would have poisoned our love and torn it down until there was nothing beautiful left. Just heartache. And cruel jealousy. And hurt. I couldn’t do that to Neil. He didn’t deserve it after the childhood he’d lived through.
It made me a horrible person, true, but I could live with that understanding about myself. I was selfish when it came to love. I was selfish with Neil. And I just couldn’t bear to endure the pain I would have brought to us both.
His child would be five years old now. I wondered about that baby. Boy or girl? Dark chocolate eyes with blonde hair, or more like Cora with her strawberry-blonde curls and light eyes? Had Mum and Ian met the child?
I finished drying off and hung up the towel. As I shrugged into my robe, I left the right shoulder off and studied my tat once more in the mirror. It was a beautiful piece of art. I had no regrets about having it now, or ever. My tiny little piece of Neil’s love safely preserved in my skin.
The only bit I had left.
Despite the fact I wanted to kill him, I was still sittin’ at the bar getting pissed with him regardless.
Ian set down his mobile and hung his head. “Everyone keeps telling me to sod off today. That was Elaina by the way.”
So Elaina was angry too. Well great, we had some common ground at least. We’d both had the earth ripped out from beneath us. I poked Ian in the shoulder.
“Why? Why the f-fuck did you bring her to BSI…? Why’d you do th-that?” Four pints in and I was really pissed drunk. Good thing I’d walked here because I sure as fuck wasn’t able to drive. “Yer tryin’ to kill me, brother?” I slurred another question at him.
Ian waved me off with his hand like I was a distracting gnat buzzing around his head. “The two of you are fuckin’ ridiculous with your pining and your tats and your lost love. Get over it already, and do somethin’ about it, why don’t you.” Ian narrowed his eyes to focus. He was at least as drunk as me. “Mum and I couldn’t stand either one of you anymore so we helped you along a bit. Just a li’l bit o’ help, is all.”
“Well, that was fuckin’ stupid of you then. She doesn’t want anthin’ to do with me, an’ now we have t-to work t-together.”
“No, yer fuckin’ s-stupid. She’s in love with you st-still. An’ you are with her. I’ve seen yer cherry blossom tats an’ how you are when the other person’s name comes up.” He tapped his head and nearly stabbed himself in the eyeball. “I see things. I know things.”
I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. “Don’t you tell her about the tat or I’ll b-b-bash you, Ian.”
Ian’s face cracked an enormous grin. “Yer such a fuckin’ idiot right now. Ya don’t know much do ya?”
“What tha bloody h-h-hell does that mean?”
“I’ll let ya figure it out on yer own, b-brother, but I’ll s-s-say this much…” He poked a finger into my forehead. “Yer not tha only one with ch-cherry blossom t-tattoos.”
****
The words of the song hit me like a brick to the head as I listened to Hendrix on Spotify. Music was part of my life and I couldn’t imagine being without it, but today the lyrics fit too perfectly with the reality of what had happened wit
h Elaina and me. It did nothing for me. But make the ache more persistent.
A broom is drearily sweeping
Up the broken pieces of yesterday’s life
Somewhere a queen is weeping
Somewhere a king has no wife
And the wind, it cries Mary
Not Mary. The wind was crying…Cherry.
I’d kept my distance at work from Elaina over the past few days. She’d done the same with me. It was strange, because for some reason, it wasn’t as painful for me as I thought it would feel. Having her nearby was very soothing after so long of wondering where she was, how she was, what she was doing, who she was with. I finally knew the answers to all of those questions.
But, I also had new ones to ponder.
Ian’s drunken confession in the pub had piqued my curiosity a lot. According to her brother, she had a cherry blossom tattoo somewhere on her body. Interesting. And why would Elaina do that?
I could only think of one reason why she would.