Beautifully Broken 1: If You Stay

He stares at me and the breath is caught in my throat.  And I sort of feel like he kicked me in the stomach.  I tortured myself all day yesterday and he had slept with someone else?  When he didn’t even want me enough to try something with me when I had been in his bed last night?

I am stunned and so I do the only thing any self-respecting woman in this situation can do.

I walk away.

“I’m out of here,” I mutter.

One foot in front of the other, I retreat down the beach, my feet sinking into the sand.  My heart feels like it is sinking too, more and more with each step, and I focus on the ground in front of me, trying to ignore the piercing pain coming from my heart.  I know it’s illogical to be upset that he hadn’t tried to take advantage of me.  But under the circumstances, it is a bit hurtful.  And it wouldn’t have been a violation because I want him.

And that’s why the whole thing is so hurtful.

“Mila, wait!” Pax calls from behind me.  I hear his steps right behind me and I stop when he grabs my arm.  “Please, just wait.  I need to explain something.  And then, if you still want to, you can go.”

I turn slowly, staring at him in the face.  His is so anxious, his mouth tightly drawn.  I nod.

“I can leave right now, if I wanted.  I don’t need your permission.  But I’ll hear what you have to say.”

His lip twitches, almost as if he finds my little show of independence funny.  I don’t see the humor.  I press my lips together, my hands on my h*ps as I wait.

It looks like Pax is trying not to laugh again.

“Well, obviously you can leave right now.  But you’d have to walk, unless you want to wait until I drive you.  Your car is still at the bar.”

I feel my face fall.  So much for being feisty.  I’m at his mercy right now.

He stares at me, all traces of amusement gone from his face.

“I need you to know something,” he says patiently.  “Can you come back and sit?”

I glance at the beach chairs where he had apparently spent the night and nod again, curtly, following him back.  I settle into one and instead of sitting in the one next to me, he sits on mine, beside my legs.  I wait.

It is a moment before he begins.

“I’ve never talked about this with anyone, so it’s difficult to know where to begin,” he tells me with a wry smile.  “Bear with me, okay?”

I nod yet again, silent as I wait for him to just spit it out.

“I’m f**ked up,” he says bluntly and I can’t help but smile a little.

“Well, that’s one way to start,” I tell him.  He smiles a little too, but it’s a sad smile, and my heart twinges a bit.

“I know.  But I want to be completely honest with you.  I’m seriously f**ked up.  I have never had a real relationship. All I’ve ever dealt with are bar whores, pardon the term, and I don’t really know how to be in a real relationship with a normal woman.  Yesterday, when you said that we weren’t a good idea, it hurt.  I don’t take rejection well.  And then I had to drive to Chicago for some business with my father and overall, it was just a shitty day.  I stopped by a little bar in the city and I ended up ha**ng s*x with a woman there.  Because that’s what I do. I block out any kind of hurt or anger that I feel with drugs or women.”

He pauses and I’m numb as I stare at him.

“You didn’t even know her?” I whisper.

Pax shakes his head.

“No.  I didn’t even know her.  But the strange part is that I couldn’t bring myself to finish.  All I could see in my head was you.  And all of a sudden, the dingy little bar closed in on me and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.  I thought about you the entire drive home.  Then, when I saw you in the Bear’s Den, I almost couldn’t breathe.  But you were there with someone else, and you had already said that you didn’t want me.

“Mila, when that guy had you against his car, I saw red.  For the first time in a long time, I cared about something other than myself.  It didn’t matter to me if you wanted me or not, but I couldn’t let that guy hurt you.  That tells me a lot about myself.  And you.  It tells me that you are good for me, that trying to be with you is something that is worth my time and worth any kind of wait that it might entail, until you’re ready to be with me, too.”

He pauses now, his eyes frozen upon my face.  He’s waiting…for a response, for an answer, for another possible rejection.

My heart is beating frozenly, as though the numbness of my emotions has spread to my chest.  I can see the broken little boy in his eyes again, the one that screams that he has been hurt, and once again, I long to fix it.  To fix him.

Even though he just had sex with someone else last night in some dirty bar. 

Shit.  He just had sex with someone else last night in a dirty bar.

I gulp hard at that ugly fact and stare at him.  What he did might have been ugly, but he’s absolutely beautiful right now with his fragility shining in his eyes.  My gut twists.

Against my deepest misgivings, I somehow believe him.  I believe that it didn’t mean anything to him. I don’t know if that makes me as twisted as he is or what. The whole thing is crazy and I don’t know what to say.  All I know is what I feel.

I want to take a chance.

My heart feels like it might stop beating if I don’t.

“Did you at least use protection?” I ask hesitantly.  “With the girl, I mean.”

Pax nods.  “Of course.”

“I’m probably crazy.  We aren’t even dating and you’ve cheated on me already.  But I have this insane attraction to you,” I tell him.  “When I’m not with you, I’m thinking about you.  I’ve never been attracted to someone like this before.  It has to mean something, right?  So, maybe we should see where this goes. But I need your word that you won’t be with anyone else while you’re with me.  I can’t tolerate that.  You’re going to have to find some other way to deal with your issues.  I’m really afraid, Pax. You’ve got issues that I don’t know what to do with.”

Pax stares at me, his hazel eyes more gold than green in the morning light.  He nods slowly.

“I will try very hard not to hurt you,” he says.  “I’m f**ked up. So I can’t promise that I won’t.  But I promise that I will try.”