Beautifully Broken 1: If You Stay

“There is sunshine on the floor.  I can see pieces of dust spiraling in the light.”

“That’s good,” Dr. Tyler assures him. “You are doing very well.  What else do you see?”

“I am stepping over a toy dump-truck with logs in the back.  I almost tripped on a rug, but I didn’t.  There are pictures on the wall.  This is my house.”

“Good.  Is it nice to be back home?”  Dr. Tyler asks.  I am utterly fascinated by this process.  I have never experienced such a thing in my entire life.  It’s amazing.

“No.  There’s a noise. Something scary.” Pax almost sounds like a child as he speaks.

He grips the arms of his chair, his fingers digging into the blue fabric.  Dr. Tyler answers him calmingly.

“It’s okay, Pax.  Nothing can hurt you. You are safe here.  Listen closely.  Do you know what is scaring you?”

Pax pauses, seeming to listen.

“My mother is crying.  I’ve never heard her cry before, so it scares me.  I’m running now, all the way to the end of the hall to her bedroom.  But her door is closed.”

Dr. Tyler makes notes and then looks up.  He looks as fascinated as I am.

“Can you open the door, Pax?  Remember, nothing can hurt you now.”

“Okay.”  Pax seems nervous.  “I’m opening the door.”

He startles now, and his face turns white as he flinches.

“What do you see, Pax?” Dr. Tyler asks quickly.

“My mom is sitting on the bed and her shirt is ripped. Her nose is bleeding, and the blood is spattered onto her shirt.  There’s a man next to her, and he is holding a gun pressed into her side.  He’s got yellow teeth.”

The doctor is still.   “Do they see you?”

“Yes,” Pax answers in his strange monotone.  “My mom is screaming for me to run.  And she’s saying, ‘Not him, not him.’  But the man grabbed me.  He’s holding my arm so tight that I can’t feel my hand anymore. I can’t move.  I can’t run.”

“Does the man speak to you?” Dr. Tyler asks slowly.

“Yes,” Pax replies.  “He just said, ‘Lookie here, kid.  Can you make your mom behave?  Can you help her be a good girl?”

Pax is silent for a minute. Even his foot, which he was banging against the chair, has gone still.  He swallows.

“I want to tell him that she already is a good girl,” Pax says.  “But I know the man is a bad man, so I don’t.  My mom is still crying and she’s got black streaks on her face.”

It must be her mascara, I think.  And I am stunned that Pax saw something like this.  Who is the man with his mom?

He’s got yellow teeth.

“What is your mom saying?” Dr. Tyler asks.  Even his quiet voice seems very loud in their room right now. You could hear a pin drop.  Since I am utterly frozen, my room is even quieter.  I think I can even hear my own heartbeat.

“She’s saying, ‘Leave him alone. Please.  I’ll do anything.  Just don’t hurt him.’  But the man is ugly and his breath smells.  He just said, ‘Anything?  So, you’ll behave now?’”

My heart is pounding, so hard that it almost hurts.  What does the man want Pax’s mother to do?  I almost don’t want to know and I feel a big sense of dread building in my chest.

“My mom nods and she says, ‘But please let my son go.  I don’t want him to see.’ She’s sad but the man is laughing and he yanks my arm and pushes me into my mom’s closet.  I kneel down, but I can still see through the tilted slats.”

Oh, god no.  I want to shout at little boy Pax to look away, to not watch whatever is about to happen, but obviously that is impossible. Whatever he sees next is going to scar him forever.  My hands shake as I wait.

Dr. Tyler swallows loudly and I can hear it.  His mouth is dry.  He’s probably hesitant to hear this, as well.

“What does the man do?  Can you see it, Pax?”

Pax nods slowly, still gripping the chair.

“The man is unbuttoning his pants and they fall on the floor. He’s got a tattoo on his hip.  It’s a black snake, coiled up.  It says, Don’t Tread On Me.  He’s holding the gun to my mom’s head now.  He says, ‘Do it.  Or I will kill your son as you watch.”

Holy hell.

Oh My God.

Please God, no.

I am completely filled with dread now, and my blood has turned to ice.  I want to rush to Pax, to comfort him, to stop this progression of events, but I know that I can’t.  Because until he remembers, we can’t help him.  I grab the arms of my chair as he continues, a sick feeling in my stomach and tears dripping onto my shirt.

“What happens now, Pax?” Dr. Tyler asks quietly.  “Please remember that you are safe now.  The man cannot hurt you.”

“The man’s back is to me and I can’t see my mom very well, but I know she’s still there.  I can see her moving.  Her head is moving up, then down.  Up, then down.  She’s crying still and I can see her shoulders shake. The man just slapped her hard.  He just said, ‘Stop crying, you f**king bitch.  A blowjob never killed anyone!’”

Tears are streaking down my face at will now.  I can’t believe that Pax saw this.  He must have been terrified.  It makes my heart break and I ache to fix it for him. But how can anyone truly be fixed after seeing something like that?

“No one has ever hurt my mom before and I want to help.  But I’m afraid. I’m the only one home, though.  My dad is still at work and I know he would want me to be brave.  I’m his little man and I’m supposed to take care of the house when he is gone.  So I stand up and run out of the closet.

“I jump at the man with the gun, and he turns just as I grab his hand.  The gun is cold and metal.  I feel it in my fingers and then there is a noise so loud that my ears ring.  My mom falls onto the bed and there is a lot of blood.”

I am completely frozen.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Did Pax bump the trigger?

Oh. My. God.

“The man is screaming, ’What the f**k did you do?’ and he shakes me.  Then he screams more. ‘You killed your mother!’  My mom isn’t moving and her eyes are open, staring at me. But she isn’t seeing me.  The man is right.  I killed my mother.”