Beautifully Broken 1: If You Stay

“Can I come in?” I quickly add.  Pax smiles and gestures with his arm.

“Of course.  Anytime.  You know that.  Can I get you something to drink?  A water, maybe?”

Why is he being so formal?  My heart twinges a bit.  Did I wait too long?  Has he moved on?

The thought practically paralyzes me, but I still manage to decline the water and follow him into his living room.  I glance around as I sit.  He hasn’t changed his house any.  It is still light and airy, a modern loft, perfectly neat and clean.  A part of me deep down is relieved.  If he hasn’t changed his house, maybe he hasn’t changed his feelings for me.

Even I know that thought is irrational as hell.  But I think I’m grasping at straws.

“How are you?” I ask, staring at him.  “Are you okay?”

He thrums his long fingers against his denim-clad thigh.  He’s still working out. That much is apparent.  I can see the hard muscle through the fabric.  I gulp.

He smiles.  “I’m doing really well.  I won’t lie, though.  It’s been hard as hell to wrap my mind around everything.  But it’s given me perspective.  And this past month, I’ve sort of isolated myself and just focused on things I need to change.  I wanted to make sure that I gave you a reason to want to be with me.”

He pauses.

And my heart pauses as he looks at me.  His golden eyes are so warm and vibrant.  How had I ever thought they were cold?

“I’ve done a lot of thinking, Mila.  And you were right to turn me away a month ago.  You really were.  I’ve spent a lot of time worrying that I’d completely f**ked up with you, that you’d never forgive me. Or that I’d hurt you so badly that you’d never want to look at me again.”

I start to interrupt, but he holds up his hand. “Please.  Just let me finish.  I’ve thought about what I would say to you a hundred times.  I’m so happy to have the chance to say it.”

I close my mouth and nod.  He smiles gently.

“Mila, I’ve said this before, but you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.  You are beautiful inside and out. I don’t deserve to have met you. I don’t deserve you in any way.  But there’s nothing I want more than to be with you.  To wake up beside you for the rest of my life.  I am so grateful that you stuck by me for as long as you did.  And all I want to know now is what I can do to make you stick with me again?  You name it and I’ll do it.  Anything.”

He waits, his eyes glued to mine and I feel overwhelmed by emotion, completely choked up.

“I haven’t waited too long?” I finally manage to say.  Pax looks surprised.

“What do you mean?” he asks bewilderedly.  “Of course not.  I said I would wait forever for you. I meant it.”

Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I launch myself into his arms.  We fold into each other and I bury myself against his chest.  He smells the same, like the outdoors and the fresh air.  I inhale him and then he tilts my chin up, his lips meeting mine.

As I lose myself in his kiss, I know that I never want to be anywhere but here, wrapped in Pax’s arms.

It’s where I belong.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Pax

Mila sleeps curled on my lap.  We’ve been curled up on the couch together all day and now into the evening.  Her head is resting against my chest, and so it is with extreme caution that I reach for the phone, careful not to jostle her around and wake her.

Speaking softly, I order an enormous amount of Chinese food for delivery.  Looking down at Mila, I quickly add dessert to our order.  She needs to eat.  She’s lost weight. The curves that used to fit perfectly into my hands have become too thin.

As I hang up the phone, I feel guilty about that.  She was under stress because of me.

Staring down, I stroke the hair away from her brow, watching her lips puff out with each breath.  It’s a trait about her that is cute as hell. She seems so innocent, like a child.  She chooses this moment to open her eyes.  They widen as she realizes that I’m awake.

“Hi,” she murmurs, sitting up.  I keep my arms wrapped around her.

“Hi,” I tell her with a smile.  “Did you sleep well?”

She nods guiltily, like she’s ashamed of sleeping the day away.

“You needed the sleep,” I tell her. “You haven’t been taking care of yourself.”

She looks sheepish.  “I had trouble sleeping,” she answers defensively.

“I know,” I tell her softly.  “I did, too.  But we’ll sleep better now, I promise.”

She stares at me.  “Have your nightmares gone away?”

“Surprisingly, yes,” I answer.  “For the most part.  I’ve had a couple since I was hypnotized, but not many.  Even though it’s been painful, remembering everything really was cathartic.  Once I started talking about it and processing it, I’ve been able to put some of my issues to bed.”

“You must be talented,” she tells me, taking my words from a long time ago.  “Sometimes issues don’t want to sleep.”

I smile.  “You’re right.  Sometimes issues are insomniacs from hell.  But mine are behaving for now.  Let’s hope they stay that way.”

“I’m sure they will,” Mila answers confidently.  “Because you’re talented.  You’ll whip them into shape.”

She snuggles into my neck and I pull her even closer.  “I don’t think I’m ever going to let you off my lap,” I tell her. “So I hope you’re comfortable.”

She giggles.  “You say that now, until your legs fall asleep.”

“You let me worry about that,” I tell her.  “You weigh five pounds now.  And by the way, we have food coming.  You’re going to eat all of it.”

She giggles again.  “You let me worry about that.”

But after the delivery guy comes and I let Mila get off my lap, she does end up eating everything I put on her plate.  I try to make her take seconds, but she refuses.  I let it slide.  I’ll have all the time in the world now to feed her.  

“I have something for you,” I tell her as we put our dishes into the dishwasher.  She straightens up.