I closed my eyes.
Please, just go. Please.
“It just builds up,” he explained at my back, “all day, every day, until I can’t see straight, and I’m confused and blinded and ready to jump out of my skin. It’s like I can’t stop it.”
And when he comes home, he takes it out on me, because I won’t tell and I won’t run.
“I don’t even know what I’m doing when I do it,” he mumbled. “I just can’t stop.”
A tear fell down my cheek, but I didn’t make any noise.
“You know this isn’t me,” he said. “Right?”
I nodded, finishing the stove.
“Remember when I used to let you ride in the front seat?” he said, laughing a little. “Even though Mom said you were too little, so I’d wait until we got out of the driveway, and then I’d let you crawl up front?”
I forced a laugh. “Yeah.” I looked at him over my shoulder. “As long as I promised not to tell Mom you were running a casino night in the basement while they were in Philadelphia that time.”
He chuckled. “Is it strange that someone who loved breaking the rules became a police officer?”
“No,” I told him. “They make the best cops. They know all the tricks.”
He grinned. “True.”
And what better place for a criminal to hide?
I didn’t say that out loud, though.
“I got you something today.”
He turned and dried off his hands, walking to the table where a brown bag sat. Reaching in, he pulled out a large, hardcover book and came over, handing it to me.
“It’s used, but it caught my eye today when I walked past the library’s sidewalk sale.”
Greatest Deep Sea Dives.
I smiled and started flipping through it, evidencing my interest. “It’s great,” I chirped. “The photography is so beautiful.”
“I thought you’d like it.”
He turned and grabbed his Thermos and lunchbox, and a glimmer of relief hit me, knowing he was getting ready to leave for the night shift. I drew in a welcome lungful of air.
“I love coffee table books,” I assured him. “Thanks for remembering.”
He came over and kissed my forehead, and I stilled, only relaxing again when he’d backed away.
“Lock up tight,” he said. “And sleep well. I’ll be home at seven.”
“Bye.”
He left, heading to work, but it wasn’t until I heard his car engine fade away down the street that I finally moved.
Putting the grocery bag in recycling, I carried my book, checking the doors and making sure lights were off before heading upstairs to my room. I left the lamp off and trailed to my bookshelf, pushing the row of books upright again and slipping in the newest addition to my collection.
Barcelona: An Architectural History.
101 Most Amazing Caves.