I just had to survive. There were no opportunities to face, so nothing to screw up.
We were all in the same boat.
And maybe I liked that. With sobriety came clarity, and I’d had time to think about my past, and I was embarrassed. I wanted everyone to trust me. To depend on me.
But that meant risking failure, and for a few minutes here and there I was content to just stay here forever.
Believe it or not, it was easier.
I headed back up the stairs to my room, carrying a bowl of stew for Alex. Micah had saved it for me, but not enough for Alex, and I wasn’t about to beg Aydin for extra food. She told me she had some stuff in the tunnels, but I’d let her eat her first solid meal in days and just grab one of her granola bars for myself.
I stepped up into my room, hearing water splash on the other side of the privacy screen. I halted and watched her shadow through the cream-colored fabric.
She stood in the tub, bending over and washing. Slowly, I set the bowl down on the table, my stomach sinking as I watched her.
Alex was always easy to disappear into. I didn’t have to talk or put up a front. I didn’t have to seduce her or pretend.
She was my port in the storm and I was hers.
I watched her form move as she washed her legs and arms. Her hand drifted up the back of her neck, the water from the cloth dripping back into the tub.
She was the only person I’d ever felt completely safe with. The only person I never feared disappointing because the only thing she expected of me was to be there.
Why couldn’t I love her? She got along with my friends. She made me laugh, and her presence was always a comfort. Always.
She fit in my life.
Watching her, I balled my fists, almost convinced I should do it. I should go and lift her into my arms and take her to bed and sink inside of her and…
I shook my head, sighing.
I couldn’t.
Because every time I closed my eyes, I saw the girl who made me want to be better. More.
I saw Emmy Scott.
Alex was like Damon. They loved me. They indulged my dark side.
They were too forgiving and too enabling.
They kept me from being lonely, but Emory taught me that not everything I wanted was going to come easy. That there were things I was going to have to fight for and there was pain in the world that my shallow lifestyle in high school kept me ignorant of.
She made me feel like a man.
Even though her words were sharp and the battle she constantly fought in her heart felt like a knife in my own, her eyes on me made me feel strong.
Her arms around me made me want to take on anything.
When I closed my eyes, I saw a girl with glasses too big for her face, and I heard the sweetest, most timid voice asking me if I still wanted to hold her.
I could still feel her cradled in my arms.
Leaving the stew, I pressed on the wooden panel on the wall Alex had shown me earlier and dove into the hidden passageway, sliding the panel closed again behind me.
The guys were still up, spread out and doing their various things, but I hadn’t seen Emory when I went to collect food.
Alex said she left her duffle bag in the tunnel outside of Emory’s room, and even though I told myself I was just getting a granola bar and some water, I wanted to make sure she was in her own damn bed.