Dr. Nichols smiled at me as she had me sit before she tied the rubber tubing around my arm. I still clutched the blanket around myself. “I can’t say much, but I am allowed to tell you that I went through the process myself. And as you can see, I came out on the other side just fine.”
“What?” I jerked a little as she jabbed the needle in my arm, and she shushed me. “Shh, stay still or I’ll have to keep sticking you to find the vein.”
I nodded and settled. She found the vein with the second try. My blood began to fill up the vial.
“I’ll talk but only if you stay still.”
I was about to nod but stopped myself just in time. “I’ll stay still,” I whispered, barely moving my lips.
“Excellent. Look, I understand that you’re scared and confused. I really do, believe me. But just let yourself go along with the process. Don’t try to anticipate. Just give in to it. There’s no shame or judgment here. As cliché as it sounds, try to take it one day at a time.”
“What was it like?” I whispered. Now that I had a real, live person in front of me who’d actually been through this, whatever this was, I wanted to know everything.
She just smiled at me, a coy, gorgeous smile. “To be honest, it’s different for everyone. It depends on the gentleman who selects you. But trust me, you want to be selected. It’ll change your life.”
Her eyes clouded, went distant. “I didn’t have a very good childhood…” It was the first time since she’d entered the room she wasn’t smiling.
But then she shook her head, like she was coming out of a trance. “Then I got my invitation, and everything changed.” The smile came back. “Now I’m a respected OB/GYN in the city. I’m engaged. Happier than I ever thought I’d have a right to be. So, I come back here to help out and to encourage you girls.”
She finished with the last vial of blood and pressed a cotton ball against my arm before putting on a small Band-Aid. As she worked, she continued to talk, “Mrs. Hawthorne might seem like a tyrant and it’s true, some of the men in the Order are dogs and won’t treat you much better. But there are rules and the ones being initiated aren’t like the older men who’ve been in the Order forever.”
She finally met my eyes. “Basically, Grace, you just have to be careful. You have to trust your gut. You have to be smart. Can you do that? If you don’t think you can do that, you should leave now.”
I looked up at her, so glad to have someone finally give it to me straight. Between her and Mrs. Hawthorne, I felt like I had a much clearer picture of what I was getting myself into.
If I were going into this, it would be with eyes wide open.
Slowly, I nodded.
“All right.” She smiled kindly. “If you’re ready to continue, then lay on the bed and I’ll be right back.”
She placed the vials of blood into a small, chilled container and then left to hand it to someone who was apparently waiting right outside the door. She returned and then urged me to the edge of the bed so she could start her examination.
“We don’t have a lot of time, so they’ve asked me to combine your interview with the inspection. I’ve got a voice recorder here you can hold.” She gave me the handheld device before replacing her gloves.
“Open wider.” Her voice was professional as she nudged my thighs open and reached for the speculum.
“Now, state your full name clearly into the audio device, along with what it is you want at the end of this experience.” She lifted her head so I could see her above my blanket-laden thighs. “And don’t forget to dream big.” She gave me a wink.
I thought for few seconds, and then pushed the button on the side. “My… uh… name is Grace Magnolia Morgan, and I—”
The cold speculum made me jump when it made contact with my skin, even more when she clicked it several notches open. I couldn’t help hissing out in surprise. It had been a while since I’d had sex. Could she tell? Was it obvious? If she could, would that be points for me or points against? Did it matter at all?
“Just tell them what you want, Grace,” Dr. Nichols said from between my legs.
Right. Not awkward at all. Just talk about your life goals with a speculum up your hoo ha, Grace—no biggie.
So, as best I could, I tried to enumerate every hope I’d ever had for myself, finally putting a dollar figure on my dreams.
Everybody I talked to said to dream big, so I did.