He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Why do you keep saying things don’t matter?”
“Because there are some things you shouldn’t know right now.”
“You can’t mean that,” she said. “You said we’d tell each other everything.”
“I know, but things change. There are some things I can’t tell you . . . some things I won’t be able to tell you. It’s shit you won’t wanna know anyway, Haven.”
“What do you think you can’t tell me?”
He started to respond, but the ringing of his phone silenced him. Groaning, he pulled it from his pocket and shot her a nervous look as he answered. “Yes, sir?” His tone was even, his demeanor instantly shifting. “But I don’t . . . Yes, fine. I get it. I’ll be there.”
He sighed as he hung up and sat beside her. He took her hand, lightly placing a kiss on the back of it. “Nothing’s more important to me than you, tesoro. I’d give my life for you.”
“You’re scaring me, Carmine.”
“Don’t be scared,” he said. “I was desperate, baby. I needed to know you were alive, and now that you’re safe, I can’t regret it.”
“You’re not making sense.”
“I’m not surprised,” he said, letting go of her hand. “I have to go.”
“Go?”
“Yeah, but I shouldn’t be long. We’ll talk when I get back, but I can’t be late.”
“You can’t be late for what? Tell me what you did, Carmine!”
“I went to Sal, okay? Is that what you fucking wanna know? I asked him to help me, so now I owe him in return.”
She stared at him, fighting back her panic. “Owe him what?”
“My loyalty.”
She sat up, grimacing from her sudden movement. “Take it back!”
“I can’t,” he said. “It’s too late.”
“But you can’t do that! You can’t be like them! You can’t do those things they do. We talked about this before!”
“Do you think I wanna be that person? That I wanna do those things? Of course I don’t!”
“Then why’d you do it? How could you agree to that?”
“I didn’t have a choice. I get it if you’re upset, but it’s done.”
He stared at her imploringly, begging her to understand, but she couldn’t in the moment. She averted her gaze when he reached over to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “We always have a choice.”
His touch was gentle and should have been comforting, but it wasn’t enough to extinguish her fears.
“Look, it’s gonna be okay,” he said. “Nothing’s changed.”
Her heart ached to believe his words, but she wasn’t naïve. Not anymore. It was a life of crime, a world of violence where danger constantly forced its way in. It was a world that turned men cold and cynical as they did unspeakable things she couldn’t fathom. It was a world that had taken both of their mamas and had nearly killed them, too. It was a world they had tried to escape, but one that sucked them in, anyway.
It wasn’t the world she had envisioned for their future.
All she could think about were their plans slipping away. Going somewhere no one knew them, starting over fresh where he could just be him and she could just be her, untainted by slavery and the labels forced upon them. Going to college so he could play football while she studied art—all of it a distant dream. Getting married and having a family—the concept overshadowed by reality. She wasn’t sure what was possible anymore, where they could go or what they could do. Would he be allowed to go to school? Could they bring children into that world?