Gods & Monsters

“So, if you wanna talk about control, Pixie? Let’s talk about how you took my control, back when I didn’t even know your name.” He barks out a laugh, and beats his chest with his fist. “If you think I don’t understand the meaning of no, then let’s talk about how all my nos vanished from my vocabulary the second I saw you. How for you, I took everything. I suffered everything. Everything I am went down the drain. Let’s talk about that.”

His voice echoes in the night, louder than any sound of the city downstairs, clearer than any sound I’ve ever heard. It shatters my heart into a million pieces, turns it into dust and ashes. I know I won’t forget the look on his face, the tone of his voice, until the day I die. Tortured, savage and angry. Hateful.

Can you love someone so much that you end up hating them? Such a paradoxical thought, isn’t it? It doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense right now.

I’m sobbing. My eyes are running streams and streams of tears down my cheeks and my legs are ready to give out. I’m so dizzy. I can’t see straight.

For weeks, I saw him get angry in front of the camera. I thought all of his anger was directed toward my parents, toward the town. I never thought that it could be directed toward me, too.

Abel looks distorted through my tears. He looks like a god with a million monsters trapped inside him. Or maybe he’s always been a monster who looks like a god. Because only monsters love this way: crazily, insanely, madly. Like there’s no tomorrow. Like the world is ending. Like their heart would burst with all the painful love they feel inside that tiny organ.

We’re both monsters, then.

I don’t know what to tell him, and it turns out I don’t have to, because there are people around me. Tons of people. But Abel doesn’t look away from me. Not even for a second.

Soft arms give me the support to stay upright; it’s Blu. And Abel snaps, “Let her go. Don’t touch her. I’ll take care of her.”

I shake my head. “I need to leave. I need some space.”

That gets him mad. That gets his chest heaving. “No, you don’t need space. You’re not leaving. I won’t let you leave.”

He takes a step toward me but someone stops him. It’s Nick. He tells Abel to let me go. But Abel is stubborn. “She can’t leave. She’s my wife, all right? I’ll take her home.”

I know I should say something. I should tell Abel to stop fighting and listen to me. But I let Blu pull me away. That’s easier. Running away is easier than staying and confronting him. She has already ushered me to the balcony door and now Abel is straining against Nick’s hold. “Pixie, stop it. Come back.” To Blu he says, “Don’t take her away from me. Don’t touch her. She’s mine.”

I’m crying silently, hating myself for being weak, hating Abel for looking so powerful and so vulnerable at the same time. This is too similar to prom night. We’re even wearing similar clothes: him a black t-shirt and white pants, and me a black dress. Guess this is another thing I didn’t notice. That night when my mom was dragging me away from him and he was shouting, screaming, I didn’t want to leave and now, I can’t stay.

Blu is silent by my side as she walks me through the crowd of bystanders. I don’t have the strength to look at them and see what they are thinking. My heart’s breaking too much. Abel’s still out on the balcony, but I can hear his outraged words.

“Come back here, Pixie. You’re mine, you hear me? You’re fucking mine and if you think for a single second that you can get away from me, you’re out of your mind. I won’t let you.”

I put a trembling hand on my tummy and Blu notices. Her eyes flare in understanding but I shake my head. “Don’t say anything. Don’t tell him. Please.”

She nods as she squeezes my shoulder and keeps walking. “Don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me.”

I can’t tell Abel. I can’t tell him that his wish already came true. He has already had his revenge. I can’t do that to my baby — a baby I’m not even sure I’m carrying. But if I am, my child will never bear the sins of his father. I won’t let it happen.

I won’t let Abel’s anger touch him or her.

Just when Blu’s about to turn into the hallway, I pause. I stare at my husband. He’s being held back by two men but he’s basically bulging out of their hold, his determination to come after me is so strong. He’s panting, growling, his eyes are wild, his hair’s messy. He’s both a man and an animal right now. A true god. He makes his own way, his own rules. He loves me with every inch of his savage heart. I do too.