It’s tempting. So fucking tempting. I can find out what’s holding him back, and then I can tell him that it doesn’t matter.
Nothing matters because I want him. I want him more than I’ve wanted anything in this world.
But then, I know a thing or two about secrets. I had a few of my own, and I can’t do that to him. I’ll wait. I’ll wait for him to tell me. Wait for him to trust me like I trust him.
“No. It’s an invasion of privacy. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter.”
Renn protests but lets it go when I insist.
“Was it good?” she asks a few moments later.
I chuckle. Only Renn would ask that.
It doesn’t feel like it happened to me. It doesn’t feel like my lips were the ones he kissed, and my skin was the one he touched. It doesn’t feel like he made me come on his cock and in turn, he came on me. His cum splattering all over my stomach and pussy. It feels surreal, like a dark, lust-filled dream.
But it wasn’t a dream because I can still feel him. Still feel the weight of his hot dick, slicing up and down my slit. It’s throbbing, you see. My clit, my tight channel. And it’s so wet. Still.
“Yeah. It was pretty fucking good,” I reply.
“Oh man. I knew it. I knew he’d be good in the sack. He just has that look, you know.” Her sigh is one of longing.
Mine is, too.
I fold my hands beneath my cheek. “Tristan has that look, too, actually.”
Renn goes all quiet.
I poke my finger at the wooden wall, as if she’ll be able to feel it. “Why don’t you like him?”
No answer.
“Renn.”
“Willow.”
“Tell me.”
She huffs softly. “Because I think he’s dangerous.”
I’m instantly on alert. “What? You mean, like, dangerous dangerous?”
“Dangerous to me,” she clarifies. “Guys like him, they pretend to be all charming and irreverent and, you know, harmless. But he’s not. He’s fucking dangerous to girls like me.”
Finally, I understand. I get it.
“You like him,” I say in an awed voice. “You’re just afraid he’ll break your heart.”
“I’m always afraid of that, Willow. I don’t believe in love. I know I can love but I also know that love’s mostly just bullshit. It’s a shot of dopamine. And trust me, I like getting high but dopamine ain’t the way to do it. I’d take crystal meth over fucking hormones, any day.”
“Okay, so, there’s a lot of objectionable content in there that I’m not going to address right now.” I smile sadly. “You sound like Penny.”
“Well, I know my chemistry, so.”
I nod, thinking about what to say. I finally settle on, “I don’t think you should be afraid. To fall, I mean.”
“Yeah? Based on what? Your midnight visitor?”
I think about her question, drawing random shapes on the wall.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I’m writing his name in invisible ink. Good thing they don’t give us pens without supervision – sharp object. I’d be writing his name all over the walls. I’d fill this entire fucking hospital with his name, on every wall, in every corner.
“I’ve never been afraid to fall. In fact, that’s what I do. I fall. But I always wanted to do it because my illness made me do it. I don’t really know myself sometimes, you know. My thoughts aren’t my own. They are so overpowered by my illness. By what I have. Sometimes I don’t know if dying is what I want, or if it’s something my depression is making me want.” I swallow. “But this time I want to fall because I want it. I want him. It’s me. It’s completely me. It’s like I know myself. He makes me know myself. He made me realize that I’m strong. I’m a fighter. He sees me, somehow. Beyond everything. I feel like we’re so buried under our issues, Renn. We’ve got so much baggage and a lot of it is not in our control. But he sees beyond that. I can’t hide from him. He sees the real me.”
I hear sniffling and I realize Renn’s crying. I’m crying, too.
“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” I whisper.
“Too late.”
I chuckle sadly. “I’m sorry. Don’t cry.”
“How can I not cry, Willow? This is a disaster.”
“What is?”
“Me. You. Him. But, you and him more than me. Oh my God, Willow. You love him.”
“I don’t,” I say but I know I’m lying.
I know my heart’s racing in my chest and my skin has broken out in goose bumps. There’s a weird sensation in my stomach, a buzz. An electric buzz.
I mean, I know it looks stupid. Falling in love with a man I don’t know much about. We’ve been together once and it wasn’t even sex.
Maybe I’m being completely naïve and young and immature but what I feel for him, the way he has affected me since the beginning, even before I saw his face, the way I spilled all my secrets to him… Maybe I was always heading this way.