Dreams of 18

Although I did find a stack of gardening books in a corner, left all abandoned and forgotten. So I pulled them out and read them one by one.

That’s how I spent my day.

Reading his books on roses and seething and seething until my anger turned into sadness and I started crying.

How could he do this to me? I thought we’d crossed a hurdle. I thought we became closer last night and he turns around and pulls this shit.

It’s midnight now and I’m hugging his pillow.

It was dry once but now it has wet splotches all over it.

Good.

He should sleep in my tears and realize for once how much of an asshole he is. How much he’s hurting me. How he’s breaking my heart.

A second later it looks like I can tell him, myself.

I can show him my tears and make him realize his cruel and mean ways.

Because he’s here. He’s back.

He’s standing at the threshold of his door, wearing an untucked, messy plaid shirt and wrinkled jeans. His boots are muddy and sloppy.

As sloppy as my heart right now.

At first, I can’t believe he’s here. He’s back and he’s staring at me with a blank face. Although, there’s something there.

Something that might resemble relief, but I can’t be sure.

“You’re here,” he says like he did the first night I showed up at the bar, his tone abraded with a touch of disbelief.

Finally, I come out of my daze.

My heart starts to beat really loudly. So loudly that it’s a wonder the windows don’t rattle. It’s going louder than I was screaming last night.

When his mouth was on my pussy.

Slowly, I get up on my knees and clutch the pillow to my chest, fist it really. Even tighter than before.

If I don’t fist something, I’m going to punch him in the face.

On second thought though, fuck it.

I am going to do some damage here. So I launch the pillow in the air. I throw it at him with all my strength and it hits him in the chest.

“Where the hell am I supposed to be?” I scream at him, my hands fisted at my sides.

He hardly bats an eyelash at my throw. All my pillow did was ruffle some of his gorgeous hair – damn him – and fell on the floor with a thud.

Although, my voice does something.

My supposed-to-be angry voice that sounded a little broken and a lot tear-thickened.

That makes him frown and study me. That gets him moving too. He crosses the threshold and comes over to stand by me.

Not only that, he stares down at me and puts his hand on my face. Or tries to before I slap his stupid hand away. “Don’t touch me.”

“You’re crying.” He states the obvious in a low, raspy tone.

“Fuck yeah, I’m crying.” I push at his chest, tears falling down my cheeks. “You left me a note. You left me a fucking note, Graham. You told me to leave like nothing happened last night. Like I didn’t tell you my secrets and you didn’t tell me yours. Like you didn’t do those things to me. Like you didn’t kiss me back.”

He clamps his jaw, his hands fisted at his sides. He’s silent but his eyes are fraught with all these things that I can’t decipher right now.

All the things that I want to know, though.

“It felt like you didn’t kiss me back for the kiss I gave you ten months ago,” I whisper, all heartsick and sore.

He exhales a tight breath and tries to cup my cheek but I push him away again.

“Let me touch you,” he says, huskily.

“No.”

“Violet,” he warns.

“No.” I fist his shirt. “You don’t get to touch me after being such an asshole. After making it all seem like a dream.”

At this, my tears fall harder. Harder than before, making me hiccup. Making me think that maybe it was all a dream.

All of it. His confession. His kisses on my mouth and between my legs.

His whispered happy birthday, baby.

God, that still wakes up goosebumps all over my body.

No one has ever wished me a happy birthday before. No one has ever even remembered it. He not only remembered it, he came back early from his date for me that night. He saved that special kiss for me all this time like it was a precious gift.

And it was.

Until he ruined it.

His eyes are piercing, as if looking into my soul, when he says, “It wasn’t a dream.”

I try to shake him, pulling at him by his shirt, but of course it’s useless. He doesn’t move. My knuckles dig into his harshly breathing chest and that’s it.

He probably doesn’t even feel that.

He doesn’t feel any of the pain I’m feeling.

“Then how come you told me to leave?” I sniffle.

“I was doing the right thing,” he grits out.

“What?”

I’m so confused. What is that supposed to mean?