California Dreamin'

It’s hardly nine but the house seems awake and it looks like it’s been this way for quite some time now.

“I thought there were only a few people coming over,” I murmur after I see four guys setting down a long, a very long, farm-style eating table somewhere toward the left.

Simon sighs but there’s a smile in his voice. “Willow likes to go all out.”

“Yeah, I remember.” I sigh too but with a smile. “She’d do that for my birthdays too. And Mia’s.”

My younger sister, Mia, is spending Christmas Eve with her college friends in the city but she’ll be here tomorrow. I can’t believe I haven’t seen her in two years.

She works in the city and I know that she comes over to the Blackwoods’ at least once a month to catch up. Willow wouldn’t have it any other way.

But I should’ve been there for her as well. Like I should’ve been there for Fallon.

I’m going to do better now. I am.

“And the funny thing is,” Simon continues, still watching people working in his backyard, “there was a time she hated it. She hated big crowds, especially on birthdays. Her birthdays. It would remind her of her own eighteenth birthday when she… made her attempt.”

He stiffens beside me at the thought of Willow’s suicide attempt that landed her in Heartstone. I go stiff as well.

I can’t imagine not having Willow in my life. She’s the only mother that I’ve known for twenty years. A friend, a confidant.

“So why does she have them? Big parties, I mean,” I ask.

“Because she likes to prove that she can.” Simon smiles again. “She says that every time she throws a party successfully, she thinks she can do anything. Even though I know at some point today, I’ll find her hiding in the closet, telling me to stop her from doing these things. And then, she’ll come out of the closet like she always does and go about her day like nothing happened. Only I would know. I’d know that she’s a warrior. My Warrior.”

He goes silent for a second and from the corner of my eye, I notice him rubbing his chest, the left side of it where his heart is, and my own heart starts banging.

My own heart remembers how when Fallon was little, she’d hide under the bed before going to school. And she wouldn’t come out until Willow called me and I rushed over to talk to her.

“She’s always been stronger than me,” Simon says and I think of Fallon. I think how she’s always been stronger than me as well.

How she’s faced her illness every day and how she moved across the country to be with me.

I grew up, Dean…

“Fallon is like her,” Simon tells me in a low tone. “Fallon is exactly like Willow.”

I look at him then, at his harsh profile. “I know you—”

Simon ducks his head as he cuts me off. “When you left, I…” He swallows, folding his hands behind his back. “It was unexpected. I don’t think I took it very well.”

He pauses again but I know he has more to say so I keep silent.

Besides, I don’t think I can talk anyway, not when there’s a rock sitting in my throat. We never talked about this, about me abruptly moving away. Well, we did last night but Simon never expressed himself other than saying that I wasn’t good enough for his daughter.

I clench my fists now, to prepare myself for whatever he has to say to me.

“I watched you grow up.” He finally looks at me, his eyes brimming with emotions. “I guess I started to think of you as my son and I don’t know, I just… I was upset when you left. I was angry at you. For leaving us, leaving Fallon. Leaving this family. But then I told myself that I don’t have the right. I don’t have any say in whatever you choose to do with your life. I—”

“You have every right.” It’s my turn to cut him off now. “You… You were there for me when my own father wasn’t. You brought me into this home. You made me your family and I… I didn’t want to hurt you. What I feel for Fallon, it snuck up on me. I’ve always felt protective of her but somehow those feelings changed and I hated that. I hated that I was betraying you, the one man, the only man, I’ve respected in my life. When I left, I thought I was doing the right thing. For you. For her. For everyone in this family. I thought I was protecting her from men like me.”

Turning to face him completely, I look the only man I’ve considered my father in the eyes. “But I’m not leaving this time. I made a promise to her. And I’d die before I broke another promise to Fallon.”