Dirty, Reckless Love (Boys of Jackson Harbor 3)

“I know I did.” He pulls a folded piece of paper from his pocket and smooths it out before handing it to me. “I want you to read this. I got this letter from Molly in June.”

Colton,

Ava was here last weekend and met my son, Noah. I promised her I’d tell you about him, but I’m guessing you’ve heard through the grapevine already. I’m including a picture so you understand why she thinks you need to know this information more than anyone else.

You and I both know that you have no responsibility for this child, but I’ve let Mom believe you have ties to him, and now that Ava’s seen him, I’m letting her believe it too. I couldn’t bring myself to tell either the truth. It’s easier this way. I hope you’ll forgive me for any complications this brings to your life. I never meant to hurt anyone, and I hope you can understand why I have chosen my lies as I have. Maybe it’s all for nothing. Maybe that old saying is true—there are no secrets that time won’t reveal—but I’ll fight time to keep this one.

Molly

I read the letter twice before lifting my gaze back to Colton’s. “Noah isn’t yours?”

He shakes his head. “I agreed to tell everyone he was so she could move home without all the talk. People can be brutal with their assumptions. Their judgments.”

“I don’t understand. He looks just like you.”

He leans back on the couch and glares at the ceiling. “He doesn’t look like me, Ellie. Think about it.”

I frown. “What is that supposed to mean? I don’t know who else . . .” I blink at him. Oh no. He wouldn’t . . . “Your father? Molly was having an affair with your father?”

“An affair?” He flies out of his seat and starts pacing the living room. “Do you know why I moved to Florida with my mom when I was a kid?”

I nod. He’s told me this story. “Because you didn’t want her to see you as a brother.”

“Yeah. Because I was in love with her and was afraid she’d never feel the same for me if I was the dumb kid down the hall. I let my stupid fucking pride take me away from her. If I’d moved in, I would’ve seen it. I would’ve seen what she’s spent so many years hiding. I would’ve known, and I would’ve protected her, and she never would’ve had to let him . . .” He squeezes his eyes shut and makes a face. “I can’t even talk about this without feeling fucking sick.” He pushes past me and out through the sliding glass doors onto the patio.

I follow him, shutting the door behind me. “Colton, talk to me.”

He pulls a joint from his pocket and lights it. He pulls the smoke deep into his lungs and holds it for a beat before looking at me. “I always knew he liked her. I always thought it was a little creepy how much he liked her. But I’d have killed that sonofabitch before I let him touch her.”

My heart aches for him. “Can you know for sure it wasn’t consensual? Noah’s four, so she’d have been . . . what, twenty-one when she got pregnant?”

He narrows his eyes. “Since it started when she was ten, I think it’s fair to say it was a nonconsensual, fucked-up relationship from the beginning.”

I throw my hand over my mouth as nausea slams into me. She was ten. Guilt gnaws through my chest. I just suggested that the victim was a willing party. “I had no idea.”

He puts the joint in the ashtray and cups my face in his hands. He smells like pot. “I just have to get through this,” he says, scanning my face. “I haven’t been able to think about anything else since I found out the truth. He had to pay for what he did.”

“Pay?” Frowning, I shake my head. “Colton, what did you do?”

“Nothing. I scared him off. Told him what I knew. Until it was done, it was all I could think about, but now . . .” He grazes his knuckles gently across my belly. “We’ll focus on us now. I’ll get better. I need to fix this.”

“I don’t know if you can.”

“Don’t tell me I lost you already. Not just because of one stupid night when you saw us talking and thought the worst of me.”

“No, Colton. It wasn’t just because of one night. It was everything before that—the weeks of you pulling away and not touching me anymore. It was . . .” I force myself to meet his eyes. “It was the pills, and the mood swings, and the way you rarely answered me with more than a few syllables. Don’t blame what broke between us on me misunderstanding what I saw that night. My interpretation of that moment was a culmination of the weeks that came before it, and I don’t blame myself for what I thought.”

“You could have come to her door and asked.”

“And you could have told me about Noah when you got this letter. You could have explained that you were struggling—that anger about what your dad did was making you struggle to stay clean.” I wipe away my tears. We’re finally having this conversation. I don’t want him to storm away angry before we’re done, but I cannot let him believe this was all to be blamed on one freak misunderstanding.

“I fucked up.” He shakes his head. “I fucked up, but that doesn’t mean I can’t fix it.” He lowers himself to one knee and takes my hand. “Marry me, Ellie. I love you, and I want to be the father of our child in the right way. Give me that chance. Please.”

I press my hand to my mouth, but it doesn’t stop the sob from coming out. Two months ago, there was nothing I wanted more than Colton’s proposal, but everything’s changed now. Tears spill down my cheeks. I slept with Levi. It’s a confession I can’t give, though, not while Colton is pulling bottles from his pockets and tossing them onto the ground. Bottle after bottle of the pills I hate.

“I came here for these, and now I don’t want them anymore.” His hand shakes as he lifts it to his mouth. “Do you understand what I’m saying, Ellie? I thought I had to take them, but when I saw the pictures of our baby, I didn’t want to.”

There are so many pills. I thought I found them all when I got his stuff together. I should have known better. One thing about addicts is they’re professionals at hiding. Levi and I used to say Colton was bad at hiding it, but we were naïve. With time, Colton’s become better than anyone I know. Hiding his drugs, hiding his addiction, and hiding his deepest scars and ugliest thoughts.