Lost In Me (Here and Now 1)

“Why do you even care about this? Didn’t you just have a baby?”

“I did. Which is why I’ve decided it’s time to be proactive.”

“What do you want from me?”

“Max,” she says simply. “I want what you have, and as you might have noticed from those messages, he wants me.”

“Then why is he with me?” I force myself to ask. Because that’s the only defense I have. Meredith is beautiful. She’s thin and blond and perfect. Everything I’ll never be. And the texts between her and Max are so damning that I want to wilt like an unwatered flower in the hot sun.

“Come on, Hanna. Everyone knows your family is loaded. Max’s little health club isn’t going to get him very far if he doesn’t have a sugar mama to bail him out.”

I open my mouth to defend him then close it. Because it’s true. I’ve already called in a favor with my mom and her friends to try to get Max a grant to help him pay the mortgage on his club. And I can tell by the Cheshire Cat grin on Meredith’s face that she knows that too.

“I’m done waiting, Hanna, and he needs your money too much to leave you. So…” She shrugs. “I figured it was time to let you in on our little secret so you could hurry things along my way.”

It feels like there’s a rabid animal frantically clawing its way out of my stomach. I can’t look at her anymore. I can’t stand here and listen to her.

I turn around and grab the door handle, but her words stop me.

“Oh, I copied Max on that last one. I couldn’t risk you pretending you never saw it just so you could keep him. Now you can pretend if you want, but you’ll both know and things will never be the same between you.”

I don’t look at her before pushing through the door and leaving the bathroom.

“I’ve gotta get going,” I say when I reach the table.

Lizzy frowns at me. “Why? What happened? Who were those texts from?”

My twin knows me too well, but I paste on a smile and shake my head. “I’m just not feeling very well. I’ll see you at home later.”

I don’t wait for their permission or even their goodbyes, and I head out the door and toward home. I’ve had too much alcohol tonight to drive, so I walk the half-mile through town to my rental house, my heels pinching my feet painfully with every step.

Max is waiting at the door when I get there, his face drawn with worry. “It’s not what it looks like.”

I nod and step into his foyer. “Good.” My voice is clear and strong, and some distant part of my mind is just proud that I’m not collapsing in a pathetic heap at his feet, begging him to love me, pleading with him to explain this away. “Because it looks like you’re a lying asshole.”

He drags a hand through his hair. “Hanna, don’t. Okay? You weren’t supposed to see those texts.”

“Oh my God. Seriously? That’s the best you’ve got? I wasn’t supposed to see that our relationship is a total sham? That it’s pretend? That you—” A sob rips through my chest before I can finish. It hurts too much.

“But it’s not,” he growls. I try to step around him, but he grabs my hand and holds it tight. “This is real. Nothing about what I feel for you is pretend.”

“But it was. At one point it was.”

“I was an idiot,” he whispers. “Such an idiot.”

“You don’t understand what it’s like to feel like shit about the way you look. You don’t understand what a leap of faith it was for me to believe you wanted to be with me when you could have had any woman you wanted in this town.”

“Meredith and I have a long, screwed-up history, and until things were serious with Will and Cally—”

“Leave.” I point to the door.

“Don’t do this, Hanna. Those texts were from December. That was months ago. You and I hadn’t even kissed yet. I had no idea I was going to fall in love with you.”

“Stop. I can’t do this.” I shake my head. “I have spent too many years of my life hating myself. I can’t be with you anymore. I can’t…” I shrug and tears spill onto my cheeks. “Please leave.”

“I’ll give you time, but please—”

“It’s over, Max. Leave.” I sound wild. Crazed. Maybe I am.