Lost In Me (Here and Now 1)

I understand how it feels when your parent lets you down, and my heart aches for him. “I’m so sorry.”

“By the time Collin was born, my relationship with his mother was already over. We were young, and we’d never been serious, but the first time I held him in my arms, his eyes locked on mine and I knew I couldn’t do to him what my father had done to me and Elle. I promised myself he would be my family. Even if his mom and I weren’t together. It didn’t matter. I promised I would never make him feel like he was second best.”

“You’re a great dad, Nate. You’d never make him feel like that.”

“It’s hard enough to be a kid to celebrity parents. I won’t pile that on too.” His hair falls into his face as he drops his head. “Collin is the most important thing in my life. I can’t give you more without taking something from him. I won’t do that.”

“I wish you’d quit making it seem like I’m asking for that.” My voice breaks because we both know I want more than this. Need more. A home. A life. Babies.

“What happens if we don’t end this, Hanna? You can’t be my mistress for the rest of my life. You can’t keep flying out here when I snap my fingers.” His face twists in disgust, and he steps away from me and into the rain. “Every time I say goodbye, I tell myself that’s it. That I’ll end it. Because you deserve that. But I’m weak and selfish as shit and keep calling you back because I can’t get enough of you.”

“What are you trying to say?”

He tilts his head to the sky and closes his eyes, letting the rain shower down on his face. I study the ridges of his strong back expanding as he breathes in and out.

I step into the rain and press my lips to the damp skin of his bare shoulder.

When he speaks, his question is so quietly murmured I can barely make it out over the rain in my ears. “Are you still in love with him?”

It’s my turn to tense. “I am.” I latch on to the best of my bravery and whisper, “But I’m in love with you too.”

“Don’t say that.”

I back away. Slowly at first a

nd then fast. Then I’m turning and running. Back into the house, up the stairs.

I crawl under the covers still in my rain-dampened robe and curl into a ball on my side.

When I hear him pad into the room, I don’t roll over to look at him. When I feel the bed shift under his weight, I don’t open my eyes. And when his arms wrap around me from behind and he pulls me to his chest, I don’t say a word.

“I was in such an ugly, dark place the night we met. I looked into your eyes, and you were right there with me—my angel in the darkness. You saved me.” He buries his nose in my hair and inhales audibly. “You saved me and I love you.”

I draw in a gulp of air, but it enters my lungs with a sharp, painful edge.

“I think I’ve been in love with you since the night we met. And I know that sounds crazy and implausible—like one of those things the guy says when he’s trying to win the girl—but for me, it’s just true. I love you and I’m terrified that you’re going to ruin your life because of it.” His arms tighten around me and he presses a kiss to my shoulder. “I’m not telling you to take his ring. I honestly believe that if he were worthy of you, you wouldn’t be here with me. But don’t let me be the reason you don’t take the life you want.”

“What if you’re the life I want?”

His arms tighten around me and he presses his lips to my shoulder. “You’re asking me for something I can’t give.”

Present Day

Nate’s sitting on the edge of the big bed, elbows on his knees, studying the floor.

Rubbing sleep from my eyes, I push myself up and lean against the headboard. Next to me on the nightstand, my engagement ring stares back at me. I took it off last night. I should have left it at home. Ignoring it, I grab my phone to check the time. There’s another message.

Nix: Please call me soon!

“I’m sorry. I’ll get dressed and get out of here.” I scramble to the edge of the bed.

He stops me with a hand on my wrist. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah.” I nod, trying for chipper, but I don’t feel it. “I’ll be fine.”

“You took off the ring.” He massages the back of his neck. “It’s over?”

“It needs to be. I don’t know how I’m supposed to move forward when what we have behind us hurts so much.”