Fall to You (Here and Now 2)

“Holy shit.” The ring in his fingers sparkles in the candlelight as he lifts it toward me.

“Hanna Thompson,” he says, his eyes locked on mine. “I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I didn’t have any idea that love could be like this. That it could make me a better man in every way. You showed me that. And I’m so sorry that I hurt you. You’re the only one I want. From now until forever.”

I can’t breathe. Can’t think or process his words. This is a dream, right? Because I’d effing swear to you that Max Hallowell is in my living room proposing. And that can’t be. Can it?

He draws in a ragged breath. “When I picture my life, when I imagine waking up next to someone, when I imagine my children in their mother’s arms, I picture you. I’ve known for months now that you’re all I want. All I need. And maybe I don’t deserve you, but I’m selfish enough to ask for you anyway. Marry me, Hanna. I want to make a life with you. I want to be by your side while your dreams come true.”

I manage a breath, but it enters my lungs in a thick and ragged gulp. My limbs are so heavy that it’s hard to move.

“Say something,” he whispers, still looking up at me, his gorgeous blue eyes wet with unshed tears.

“I…” What do I say? Last night, I was begging another man to take my virginity, and now Max—gorgeous, amazing, all-I-ever-wanted Max—is on one knee, promising me forever. “I can’t,” I whisper.

His shoulders sag and he drops his head. I stand there and watch his chest rise and fall with his breath. Pain rolls off him in such intense waves that it threatens to bowl me over.

“I’m sorry,” I say, but what I really mean is that I wish he had done this before Meredith and those texts. Before he broke my heart and became desperate to win me back. Before I stopped believing in him.

He shakes his head and stands. “You don’t owe me any apologies. I’m the one who fucked up.” He lifts his hand to my face, and just before his fingers touch my cheek, he drops it.

“I don’t want to say no,” I admit. “I want to believe you really mean it, but, Max… Part of me will always believe you proposed out of guilt. Part of me will always believe this is all a charade to you. Some sacrifice you’re making to help the fat girl feel good about herself.” Part of me would always believe he was marrying me for my money.

“Hanna. You’re beautiful.” He squeezes his eyes shut, and when he opens them again, they’re soft and sad. “I don’t know how to make you believe how beautiful you are. You hardly let me touch you, and I was okay with that because not touching you is one thousand times better than losing you. But don’t think for a second that means I didn’t want to touch you.”

I keep my hands at my sides, clenching my fists because I really just want to reach for him, to curl into him. But I can’t.

He rests his forehead on my shoulder. “I was an idiot, and I am so sorry.”

“Me too,” I whisper, and suddenly, hot tears are rolling down my cheeks. Because I love this man, and I want everything he’s offering. “But your timing is terrible.”

He takes my hand and presses the ring into my palm, curling my fingers around it. “Keep it. That’s how much I want this, Hanna. Keep it. I’ll wait.”

WHEN HANNA’S door closes behind me, I feel like I’ve been gutted, and I’m leaving here without my heart. I have to stop on the steps. I close my eyes and try to remember how to breathe, how to take a step and live without the only thing that matters.

I’ll give her the space she needs. God willing, she’ll find her way back to me.

The sound of someone crying pulls me from my thoughts, and when I turn to the street, I see a figure leaning against an old maple a few houses down. Her face is hidden in the shadows of the night, but her shoulders are shaking and there’s no mistaking the sound of sobs.

I approach slowly. “Are you okay?”

“Fuck. Off.” Meredith’s voice catches me by surprise, and I stumble back a step. Two.

“What are you doing here?” I can’t help the angry edge of my voice. I accept responsibility for the decisions I made in December, but I can’t forgive Meredith for how Hanna found out.

Sniffing, she wipes her face with the back of her hand and turns to face me. “I was…on a walk. The door was open. I saw…” She draws in a shaky breath. “That ring should have been for me.”

I drag a hand through my hair, trying my damndest to ignore the way my chest pinches at her tears. Too many years of giving a shit what Meredith thought and how she felt. Old habits die hard, I guess.

“Why now, Meredith? I’ve chased you for years, and you’d never let it be anything more than sex. You say that ring should have been for you, but you weren’t interested in that kind of relationship with me. You only wanted it once I found it with someone else. It doesn’t work like that. I’m in love with Hanna, and I’m not going to let you destroy what I have with her.” Too late, something whispers at the back of my mind, but I ignore it.

“What about what you have with me?” she whispers. “You’re going to destroy that?”

“A long line of drunken hook-ups and rejection? Years of you calling me only when the guy you really wanted wasn’t available? Last I checked, that’s all I have with you.”

“No, it’s not.” She takes a step forward, and the light from the streetlamp slashes across her features. Mascara stains her cheeks, and her eyes are filled with hurt she never lets the world see.

This is the real Meredith. The one I knew in high school. The one who would come to me when the screaming got too loud, who would hide in my room when her father was on a drunken terror. The one who knew about the kind of bruises fathers can leave that no one else can see. These are the eyes of the girl who understood me when no one else did. The first girl I fell in love with.

“What am I missing, then?” I ask, softening. “And I’m not talking about the past. I’m talking about today. What do we have together now?”