But it definitely had been her choice not to call me. Or leave me with her US number.
“It’s hard not to put family first,” Gabriel said. “It’s a natural reaction.”
Hollie’s generosity and thoughtfulness were at the core of who she was, and I didn’t want that to change. “I just want her to be happy and stop sacrificing herself for people who should be able to look after themselves. I want her to get what she wants out of the world.” She deserved a happy and successful life where she wasn’t just looking after other people. But maybe I was being selfish.
“Sounds like you’re serious about her.”
There was no doubt about that. “Tonight was meant to have been special. I’ve worked so hard to live up to my parents’ reputation, and to have that recognized tonight was all I could have wished for. You’re right. I should be fucking ecstatic instead of a miserable bastard, drowning my sorrows at the bar.” I took another sip of my drink. “Don’t get me wrong, I’d be a hell of a lot more miserable if we hadn’t won.”
Gabriel chuckled. “Yeah, I probably wouldn’t be sitting here if you’d have lost. Or if I was, I’d be wearing body armor.”
“I just wanted her here,” I said. “I wanted to share it with her.” Nothing was right without Hollie. It was slowly sinking in that she was gone. Not just for tonight but forever. Faced with the prospect of Hollie not being around, I was being forced to consider what life felt like without her. It was like a fist to my face.
I didn’t want to go home tonight because I didn’t want to be anywhere she wasn’t. A hotel room wasn’t going to be any different. I wanted to wake up next to her every morning and go to sleep, her body tucked into mine, every night. I wanted her in my life every moment of every day.
“Hey,” Gabriel said. “Your parents would have been immensely proud. Your brother was there to celebrate with you and so were we. It’s a fantastic achievement.”
I knew the theory. And of course, it was fantastic my brother had been there tonight. It was fitting. And I was grateful and so happy to have him back in my life. Even though we’d not seen each other for so many years, it was as if he’d never been away. But him being here just made me think of Hollie. If I hadn’t seen the way she was completely devoted to her sister, I would never have contemplated that David might have a legitimate side of the story. It was Hollie’s example that made me consider getting in contact with him again. If she hadn’t come into my life, tonight would have been even more of an empty experience than it was turning out to be. If she was gone for good, did that mean I would spend the rest of my life with something missing?
I shrugged and tipped back my drink. “It will be good publicity with the store opening.”
“Do you regret not making things right with David sooner?”
Christ, was Gabriel trying to make me feel worse? “I think we both have regrets.” He wished he’d pushed me. I wished I’d not been so pig-headed. “But yes of course I do. We wasted a lot of years.”
“Guess you wouldn’t want to repeat that mistake,” Gabriel said. He thought he was being subtle. Or maybe he didn’t—he wasn’t a stupid man. But he didn’t get it. The situation with my brother was very different. I’d been grieving and desperate to hold on to my parents. We’d both been young and in pain. Time and age had given us perspective. Hollie knew I wanted her to stay in London. She wanted to please her family more than she wanted me. It was as simple as that.
“Hollie and I didn’t have an argument. She flew back to Oregon. I can’t change that, Gabriel.”
“I get the impression that she was important to you. Like more important than anyone for a long time.”
“Yes,” I said. The days of trying to deny that were long gone. “She was very important. Before Hollie, I was resigned to being on my own.”
He chuckled. “Yes, I think we’d all figured that out.”
“Hollie was different. She’s sweet and caring and funny and talented and fucking gorgeous.” There weren’t words enough to describe how really wonderful she was. “There’s no point dwelling on it. She’s gone. There’s no bringing her back.”
Gabriel put his hand on my shoulder and pushed me to face him. “What are you talking about, Dex? She didn’t get married. And . . . she didn’t die. You don’t have to let her go without a fight.”
He made it sound simple. I knew she hadn’t died or moved on, but I also knew I had to let go of things in my life that weren’t meant to be. “She’s a grown woman. I can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do, and she hasn’t called.”