“And now what?” I asked. “Now she’s decided the grass isn’t greener after all?” I was angry for Gabriel. Angry for Bethany. Angry that someone could be that selfish. “Maybe she should have thought about that before getting married and having a child.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them. She was Bethany’s mother. Gabriel’s wife. He’d loved her once.
Gabriel took a swig of his beer. “Right.” He sighed and shook his head as if everything was hopeless. “I don’t want to spend more time away from my daughter because I’m fighting a custody case that I’m going to end up losing.”
“Why would you lose?” That didn’t make any sense to me. Sometimes it felt like the three of us were in our own bubble of happiness. I didn’t want it to burst.
“Gillian says without some concrete reason like abuse or addiction, the court will award her something. I suppose the courts believe in redemption.”
I let his words sink in. The courts believed in giving second chances. And really . . . wasn’t that the right thing to do? Weren’t people allowed to make mistakes? God knows, everyone made them. If Hollie hadn’t given my parents a thousand chances, they would probably be homeless by now. If she hadn’t put up with me being an asshole at times, I would have never been able to finish college. Families gave each other second chances—and third and fourth and infinity chances, didn’t they? But walking out on your infant daughter and husband for three years was more than a mistake. Maybe there was no way of righting that kind of wrong.
I stayed silent, aware that whatever I said might not be helpful. I liked to look at the bright side, but Gabriel had taught me that sometimes it was important to sit under the cloud for a while. And he likely wasn’t ready to hear how it might be better for Bethany to have her mother in her life.
“So what’s next?” I asked, trying to stay neutral.
“Gillian is trying to find out what Penelope’s endgame is. God forbid she wants full custody.”
“She didn’t say at the meeting?”
“No, she was too busy trying to convince me we were a family and that she wanted to try again.”
My heart burned in my chest. Penelope didn’t just want to be back in Bethany’s life. She wanted Gabriel back, too.
I placed my hand on his stomach. I needed to feel him. I wasn’t sure if I was looking for him to reassure me, but he just stayed silent and placed his hand over mine.
Right in that moment, I wanted to tell him that I’d never felt for anyone what I felt for him. I wanted to say that I couldn’t be excited about travelling or the future in general because thoughts of tomorrow meant that whatever we had today would shift, and I’d never been so happy. I wanted him to turn to me, clasp my face in his hands, and say he felt exactly the same. I wanted him to reassure me that he didn’t want his wife back. That he wanted me—only me. That he saw Bethany, me, and him existing in this bubble forever.
But silence stretched between us and I couldn’t help thinking that this was the beginning of the end. We were about to be over before we had even begun.
Twenty-Eight
Autumn
Today was about Bethany. I was just her nanny. Her caregiver. Her protector. I should remain professional and bury the nerves swirling about in my stomach.
The doorbell rang and I wanted to throw up.
“Postman?” Bethany asked as I stood from where we were bandaging up Bear Bear’s arm.
I didn’t want to lie to her, but I didn’t know how to explain who was at the door. Gabriel was at work—everyone agreed that it would be better if he wasn’t here when Penelope came around. There had been lots of rules put in place before Gabriel had agreed to today. The first meeting between Penelope and Bethany would be an hour long. It would take place in this house. Penelope wouldn’t bring gifts. Penelope had to be accompanied by an independent psychologist. There were other things Gabriel had told me about, but they had gelled into a hard ball in my gut. I just knew I wasn’t going to leave the room. Not for a second. Gabriel had hired a security guard who would be stationed outside the house all morning. It was clear he didn’t trust Penelope with his daughter. And who knew what her game plan was? The more I thought about it, the less I understood her explanation for leaving. Even if she’d felt trapped and bored—why be gone for so long? Why come back now? Why hadn’t she stayed in touch? Sent Christmas presents? Something.