Teach Me Dirty

She nodded and her lip trembled.

I looked at Helen, then looked at the clock, knowing full well a stream of thirty kids would be descending any minute.

“Come with me,” I said.

***

Helen

Mark moved us into an empty room, and he was calm. So calm. He left us for just a minute and when he came back he had a notepad and a pen and some tissues and a jug of water and some glasses. He let Lizzie take all the time in the world.

He was brilliant. Kind, and steady, and strong, and I thought I already loved him as much as it was possible to love someone, but I was wrong. It made me love him even more.

She told him as much as she could tell him, and I filled in the blanks when she couldn’t speak.

She told him how Ray started looking at her when her mum wasn’t home. How he’d buy her cigarettes and pretend they were secret friends. How he started asking her for favours, because that’s what friends do. How he would get her drunk and tickle her, and then how he made her show herself to him, and put her hands on him, and act like it was all just silly drunk fun.

How he crept into her room at night and raped her as she cried. And then did it again, and again, and again.

How he told her her mum would never believe her, and he’d call her a slut and say it was all her fault.

How he told her she really was a slut and wasn’t worth anything.

How she believed him.

It broke my heart, because I should have known. I just didn’t want to know. I wanted to believe she was all ok and everything was great, even though I’d see it in her eyes… this something. This horrible, sad, desperate something.

I should have known, and it would eat at me forever.

Mark didn’t push her, he just let her speak and asked the right questions. In that room he was Mr Roberts again, and I felt the worry disappear.

He does that. He makes everything feel ok, even when it’s really not. Like he can shoulder the weight of the world and you’ll be safe.

It made me cry happy tears amongst the sad ones, just to know Lizzie was so safe.

And I knew he was made for this.

I knew I could never take him away from this, from all the people who needed him, all the people who relied on him, all the strength and the compassion and the brilliance he had to offer.

I could never steal this life from him, I’d rather give up my own.

When Lizzie was all talked out she was much calmer, and her eyes dried up. That’s when he did what he needed to do, and I don’t really even know what that was, and it didn’t matter.

Lizzie’s mum came in, and I left, and after a few minutes Mark left, too, and I saw Kathy Thomas hug her daughter, and cry, and they were both crying. And I cried, too.

And then there were more people, more kind people. Police, too, a lovely lady with a nice smile who told Lizzie it was all going to be ok.

Mark left when it was time, and Lizzie smiled at him like I’ve never seen her smile at anyone. She said thank you and she meant it, and he smiled back like he cared, and he meant it, too.

He led me into another room, a smaller room, with just files and certificates and one little desk, and I could feel him, so close. There was nothing in the world I wanted more than to hold him.

“She’ll be ok,” he said. “We’ll make sure of it. Everything’s going to be fine.”

“Thank you.” I hugged myself and kept my distance.

“You did the right thing.”

“I should have known what was going on.”

He shook his head. “She didn’t want you to know. This isn’t your fault.”

“I still should’ve known.”

“You can’t blame yourself, Helen. You did the right thing and it counted, and she’ll be ok now.”

I took a breath. “She’ll be ok now because of you.”

“No, Helen. Because of you, you gave her the strength to talk about it.”

I nodded, but I didn’t really feel it.

“Helen, please look at me.”

I did, and it made my heart hurt. “I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t be here. I promised my dad, I swore to him…”

“There’s no need to swear anything to anyone,” he said. He pulled out an envelope and it made me feel sick, even before I knew for sure what it was. “I’m going to hand this in, and I’m going to leave this place. I want you to come with me. We can go wherever you want, and do whatever you want to do. I’ll come to Aberystwyth, if that’s what you want. You can stay in dorms with Lizzie if that’s what you want, and I’ll just be around, or you can move in with me.” He sighed. “Whatever you want, Helen. Whatever that is.”