“Well…yeah. I guess that’s what I’m saying.”
“Don’t be foolish, Declan. I think you need to be treated for health anxiety, too. You can’t throw your entire life away out of fear. I guarantee you the fear of ending up like Mom is far worse than the reality of being Mom or living in Dad’s shoes. Yeah, she’s had some rough episodes. And it was hard for all of us growing up—embarrassing and humiliating when it happened in front of our friends. But she was untreated for a very long time. You have a good handle on things. And despite all of the bad moments with Mom, there have been a lot of wonderful moments too. Life has ups and downs. And if you love someone, you deal with it all.”
I kicked some grass. “I get what you’re trying to convey. But I’d still feel guilty allowing someone in my life when I struggle to feel normal sometimes. I don’t want to put that on someone else or make them feel inadequate when I inevitably fall into a depression they can’t get me out of. I don’t want that person feeling like they’re not enough to make me happy, because the truth is, when I get that way, nothing makes me happy, not even the people I care about.”
Her brow lifted. “But it always passes, doesn’t it?”
“It does.” I nodded and exhaled. “Yeah. It always has so far.”
“Well, there you go. It’s fleeting, not a permanent part of you.”
“I guess so.” Something about that statement comforted me, allowed me to momentarily see my depression as something outside of myself—something that latches onto me but isn’t constantly attached. Not a part of me.
My sister tilted her head. “You said a moment ago that you struggle to feel normal. What is normal anyway? Is normal some societal expectation that we all have to be perfect? Happy? Successful? I personally think it’s more normal to have flaws.” She stared off for a moment. “I grew up being told that women were supposed to get married and have children, right? It wasn’t popular to say you didn’t want that. And when I announced that I wanted to give up all of my material possessions and serve God, everyone—including you—thought I’d lost my mind, or that it was a phase. Not everyone has the same view of what’s normal. Freedom for me was giving up material possessions to live my life for a greater purpose. It’s what makes me happy. And I had to put aside my guilt about hurting others to achieve what I wanted.”
“It took me a while to accept that you’re where you were meant to be,” I said.
“My point is, Declan, you shouldn’t let your guilt or fear about anything dictate your decisions. God is the only true judge. And He leads you to the people and places you were meant to encounter. People like Molly. But He also chooses which crosses you will bear and never gives you anything more than you can handle.” She looked into my eyes. “You can handle this. You can handle anything as long as you put your faith in Him.”
I wished I had the kind of faith my sister had. But trusting that all was going to work out without any visible evidence was always a hard sell.
***
On Monday night, I headed straight to my new favorite bar after landing in Wisconsin. It wasn’t like I had anything else to do here.
Belinda was wiping the counter down when she spotted me approaching. “Boy, you must really like it here. I can’t seem to get rid of you.”
“Yeah, well, turns out, I like the music and the company.”
She winked. “And you don’t have to worry about getting hit on.”
“I guess that’s true, too.”
“What can I get ya tonight?” she asked, her red hair seeming even brighter than the last time.
“A time machine?” I chuckled.
“Uh-oh. That bad, huh?”
Earlier today, while waiting for my flight, I’d made the mistake of going to Molly’s Facebook page and had seen a new update: In a Relationship with Will Daniels. It was official. There were also some new photos they’d taken together during a jazz concert.
I’d avoided asking Molly about the status of things with Will during our phone conversations because I didn’t want to hear it. But now I knew they were exclusive—i.e., You missed the boat, Declan. That boat was so far offshore now, it wasn’t even funny.
I spent the next several minutes unloading to Belinda, as had become my habit, telling her about my trip and Molly’s new Facebook status.
She cringed. “Ouch. Okay. But there’s always hope, right? This doesn’t mean it’ll always be that way. Relationships are hard, man. This dude can easily screw up. You might still have a chance someday.”
I shook my head, staring into my glass. “I don’t know what I hope anymore, Belinda. Maybe she’s better off with him. But…”