“No, because you won’t fucking explain them to me.” I glared at him for a moment, then shook my head and walked on. “You know what? Forget it. It’s not important.”
“If it wasn’t important, you would not be this angry.”
I snorted softly and just kept moving. He was silent until we got to the SUV, then appeared in the passenger seat.
“As I said before,” he commented, as I pulled out into the traffic, “the longer I remain in flesh form, the more I take on certain human characteristics.”
“So? It’s not like a little human emotion is going to destroy you or anything, is it?”
“That,” he said, his voice holding an edge that suggested he was barely holding on to his patience, “is where you are very wrong.”
I glanced at him sharply. “How the fuck is that even possible? I mean, emotion isn’t a physical force. Being emotional can’t destroy you.” I paused, then remembered Jak, the man I’d thought I would marry one day, and all the heartbreak he’d caused me. “Although sometimes it does feel like it can.”
“While gaining the emotions that come with flesh form is, of itself, not dangerous to us, the fact that you and I are connected at a chi level makes it so.”
I slowed down as the lights ahead went to red, then said, “Why?”
He hesitated. “A chi connection is a connection of life forces—”
“I’m well aware what a chi connection is,” I snapped. “Just tell me why you believe it’s so damn dangerous.”
He released a breath that was more a hiss. “It’s dangerous because it can lead to assimilation.”
I blinked. “Assimilation?”
“It happens when a reaper becomes so attuned to a particular human that their life forces merge, and they become as one.”
“No—”
“Yes,” he spat back. His expression was as grim as I’d ever seen it. “If that happens, my reaper powers will become muted, and I will never again be able to function as a soul bearer.”
“But you can still be a Mijai?”
“Yes. But this is not a position I wish to retain for eternity.” He glanced at me. “And I suspect you would not wish the connection between us to strengthen any further, or become permanent.”
“God, no.” I liked Azriel—a lot—but he wasn’t Mr. Long Term. And neither was my Aedh lover, Lucian. I wanted someone who was flesh and blood real, someone who could give me a family and a life on this plane.
The lights changed again, so I pressed the accelerator and continued. “Does that mean the attraction between us is a sign that we’re on the cusp of assimilation?”
“Possibly.” He looked away for a moment, studying the road ahead. “But it is never wise to play with fire.”
“We knew it wasn’t wise when we made love,” I commented. “It didn’t stop either of us.”
“No.” The ghost of a smile crossed his lips. “And as much as I cannot regret that moment, to continue down that path is to risk the link strengthening into assimilation.”
“Then you’re going to have to be the strong one, because I’m damn sure I won’t be.” I tried to envision being around him and not being able to touch him. It just wasn’t possible.
“If I was capable of such strength,” he said quietly, “there would not have been a first time.”
My gaze briefly met his. Deep in his differently colored blue eyes desire burned. He might be keeping it in check better than I was, but he definitely wasn’t as immune to my nearness as his actions sometimes led me to believe.
I swung onto Spencer Street and headed toward Southern Cross Station. “You do realize this decision of yours means that you can’t object to me being with Lucian. I may not be driven by the moon’s heat as most werewolves are, but I do have an above-average sex drive.”
I didn’t need to see his expression to know that his anger had just ratcheted up several notches. The force of it singed my skin and senses. “You know I do not trust the Aedh.”
Yeah, I did. Just like I knew that his distrust—hell, I’d even call it hatred—left him unable to even say Lucian’s name. It would have been amusing if it wasn’t so damn frustrating.
“And we both know,” I snapped back, “that your distrust stems more from the fact that I’m with him than from anything he’s actually done.”