“Yes.” He paused. “I thought we had agreed that we should—”
“No,” I snapped back. “You decided we should attempt to ignore this. I had no choice.”
“Because of the danger—”
“To whom?” I swung around and stabbed a finger into his chest. It felt like I was hitting steel. “Not to me, buddy boy, and don’t pretend otherwise. You’re protecting your ass here, not mine.”
“True.” His expression was as enigmatic as ever, and yet there was an undercurrent in the air that was both frustration and anger. At himself, at me, at the situation. “But you have no idea of the dangers I face.”
“No, because you won’t fucking explain them to me.” I glared at him for a moment, then shook my head and walked on. “You know what? Forget it. It’s not important.”
“If it wasn’t important, you would not be this angry.”
I snorted softly and just kept moving. He was silent until we got to the SUV, then appeared in the passenger seat.
“As I said before,” he commented, as I pulled out into the traffic, “the longer I remain in flesh form, the more I take on certain human characteristics.”
“So? It’s not like a little human emotion is going to destroy you or anything, is it?”
“That,” he said, his voice holding an edge that suggested he was barely holding on to his patience, “is where you are very wrong.”
I glanced at him sharply. “How the fuck is that even possible? I mean, emotion isn’t a physical force. Being emotional can’t destroy you.” I paused, then remembered Jak, the man I’d thought I would marry one day, and all the heartbreak he’d caused me. “Although sometimes it does feel like it can.”
“While gaining the emotions that come with flesh form is, of itself, not dangerous to us, the fact that you and I are connected at a chi level makes it so.”
I slowed down as the lights ahead went to red, then said, “Why?”
He hesitated. “A chi connection is a connection of life forces—”
“I’m well aware what a chi connection is,” I snapped. “Just tell me why you believe it’s so damn dangerous.”
He released a breath that was more a hiss. “It’s dangerous because it can lead to assimilation.”
I blinked. “Assimilation?”
“It happens when a reaper becomes so attuned to a particular human that their life forces merge, and they become as one.”
“No—”
“Yes,” he spat back. His expression was as grim as I’d ever seen it. “If that happens, my reaper powers will become muted, and I will never again be able to function as a soul bearer.”
“But you can still be a Mijai?”
“Yes. But this is not a position I wish to retain for eternity.” He glanced at me. “And I suspect you would not wish the connection between us to strengthen any further, or become permanent.”
“God, no.” I liked Azriel—a lot—but he wasn’t Mr. Long Term. And neither was my Aedh lover, Lucian. I wanted someone who was flesh and blood real, someone who could give me a family and a life on this plane.
The lights changed again, so I pressed the accelerator and continued. “Does that mean the attraction between us is a sign that we’re on the cusp of assimilation?”
“Possibly.” He looked away for a moment, studying the road ahead. “But it is never wise to play with fire.”
“We knew it wasn’t wise when we made love,” I commented. “It didn’t stop either of us.”
“No.” The ghost of a smile crossed his lips. “And as much as I cannot regret that moment, to continue down that path is to risk the link strengthening into assimilation.”
“Then you’re going to have to be the strong one, because I’m damn sure I won’t be.” I tried to envision being around him and not being able to touch him. It just wasn’t possible.
“If I was capable of such strength,” he said quietly, “there would not have been a first time.”