“Damn it, you can’t say things like that. Not after everything you said last night.” And while a deeper part of me rejoiced at the admission, it mostly only added to the deepening well of frustration.
“There have been a lot of things I should not have said or done, Risa.”
Yeah, and showing me just how truly amazing we could be together, then snatching away the possibility of it ever happening again was certainly one of them.
“You said last night that I wasn’t understanding the seriousness of the situation. Well, this time you’re the one not understanding.” I turned. There was very little in the way of emotion to be seen in his face. “I might be part Aedh, but I am also werewolf. Sex may not be the necessity for me that it is for others of my kind, but by the same token, I do not want to live my life without it.”
“I am not asking—”
“Yes, you are.” I said it fiercely, my fists clenched. “You’re asking me to stay out of Lucian’s bed, and right now he’s the only sexual partner I have. And don’t suggest I seek out others, because I can’t afford to bring anyone else into my life with all the shit that is happening. At least Lucian is fully able to protect himself.”
“But he is not to be trust—”
“Maybe not,” I cut in. “But then, who the hell am I supposed to trust in this whole debacle? Every single person involved in this quest is using me for their own reasons—you, Lucian, Hunter, my father. Hell, even Jak’s doing it to get a story, but at least with him it’s a mutual thing.”
“What about Tao, Ilianna, and Stane? They are not—”
“They’re my friends, and only part of this quest because I’ve dragged them into it. They’re not using me; they’re trying to keep me alive.”
“I’m trying to keep you alive.”
“But only because you need me to find the keys. If it came to a choice between saving me and gaining the keys, we both know I’d be a goner.”
He didn’t say anything. And whatever he was feeling, whatever he was thinking, he was keeping it all locked down very tightly.
I sighed. “We can’t keep doing this, Azriel. We can’t keep arguing over this same point. Either you and I take the risk of deepening our relationship, or you accept the fact that I will take other lovers, be that Lucian or not.”
He made a sharp “whatever” motion with his hand. “You are right. I will not mention it again.”
“Good.” I spun on my heel and headed for the door.
But as I reached for the handle, he added, “I told you once that reapers are sexual beings, that we mingle energies and recharge ourselves with other energy beings.”
I paused, my fingers still on the door handle as I glanced over my shoulder. “Yes, so?”
His expression was as remote as ever. “So, we can only recharge with those who possess a harmonious frequency, and such compatibility is not widespread. When a connection is found, it is to be cherished.”
I frowned. “I’m not getting the link between this and what we were discussing.”
“The connection,” he said softly, “is the fact that I can recharge with you.”
I blinked. To say I was surprised was an understatement. Hell, I was flesh and blood, and he was energy. How was something like that even possible?
“I’m not a reaper. I’ll never be a reaper.”
“No, you are not.”
My confusion deepened. “So what exactly are you trying to say?”
“Nothing. I merely explain what you see as unreasonable behavior.” He hesitated, and something flashed through his eyes, something that resembled pain. “I once had a recharge companion, but she was killed while escorting a soul through the dark portals.”
“I’m sorry—”
“There is no need for your sorrow. She died long ago, and was not my Caomh. While I regret her passing, it was not a life-altering event.”
Caomh was the reaper equivalent of a life mate if I’d understood the little Azriel had said about them. “So, is the fact that you can recharge through me a sign that the assimilation threat is greater than you were admitting?”
“No. I am, as I said, merely explaining why I react to Lucian’s presence in your affections.”