“Thank you, Captain Obvious. ”
“No … It’s just that two weeks ago the worst thing I had to worry about was finding a job before they cut my rations. All summer long the bunch of us—you, me, Chong, and Morgie—all we did was goof off, hang out, and laugh. We used to laugh a lot, Nix. Life used to be fun. ”
She nodded sadly.
“I have to believe,” Benny continued, “that we’ll get through this. Not just this stuff tonight, but all of it. ”
“Get through it for what reason? Nothing seems to matter anymore. ”
“That’s just it, Nix. I can’t let myself believe that nothing matters. You matter. We matter. We both need to believe that we’ll get past this. That we’ll be able to laugh again. That we’ll want to. ”
She shook her head. “I don’t know. I can’t imagine that right now. ”
He had no comeback to that. Her argument was too strong, and his was based only on wishful thinking and a threadbare piece of optimism.
They sat together and listened to the forest.
“Benny?” Nix asked quietly after a while.
“Yeah?”
“Last night … when you kissed me … ?”
His throat went instantly dry. “Yeah?”
“Why did you do it? I mean, was it because I was so upset and you didn’t know how else to help me? Or was it because you really wanted to?”
“I—”
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. ”
He took a breath. “I kissed you because I wanted to,” he said.
She nodded. “Last night, when you thought I was sleeping … I saw you looking at her card. ”
Benny plucked a stem of grass and ran it slowly between his fingers. It felt like cool silk. “Did you?” he asked.
“I saw you throw it away, too. ”
“Did you?” he asked again softly.
“Yes, Benny … I did. ”
She didn’t say anything else, didn’t speak another word for a long time. She leaned her head on his shoulder, and they sat there and waited for the day to burn away.
49
BY LATE AFTERNOON THE SUN WAS COMPLETELY COVERED BY A SHEET OF thick gray clouds. The temperature fell, but the humidity thickened the air to a hot soup. Benny drowsed against the trunk of one of the pines, and in his dreams he heard a sound that was like the roar of Lilah’s waterfall. The sound started small and far away, and Benny’s dreaming mind made it be the noise of the waterfall, which was a perfect backdrop for his dream of running through the woods, being chased by Charlie and the Hammer, both of who were now zoms but who also somehow managed to keep their personalities. They yelled to him in mocking voices, calling him “Little Benny” and promising to do terrible things to him. In his dream Benny ran as fast as the wind, and somehow the surrounding landscape barely moved, as if he was almost running in place. The zombie bounty hunters shuffled along behind him, almost close enough to grab him.
The roaring sound grew steadily louder, and Benny thought that maybe he was making some distance, that he was nearing the waterfall, but when he looked around, all he saw was the plateau on which the bounty hunters had their camp. Something brushed him, and he turned to see that Nix was running next to him. She was screaming, but Benny could not hear her voice. The roar of the waterfall kept getting louder and louder. And it was deeper in tone now, more of a loud drone than the splash of water.
“Benny!” Nix called his name, but it didn’t match the shape her mouth made.
The roar was huge.
“BENNY!”
With a start, Benny realized that Nix’s voice was not coming from the girl running beside him, and just as quickly he understood that he was dreaming and that the real-world Nix was yelling at him. He snapped his eyes open. The camp and the zombies vanished. The roar, however, was still there. Deep and loud, and getting louder.