“Just go,” she begged, but she could see he didn’t mean to respond. He kept his mouth flat and gestured toward the stairs.
Kate couldn’t escape today, not truly. So she walked up the stairs and tried not to remember the way she’d walked onto that ship to Ceylon. She felt that helplessness again. That same weakness.
And yet . . . And yet this was a moment. A choice, just like the choice she’d faced when she’d let her father lead her onto that ship. She could give in to whatever Gerard planned. She could be terrified and foolish and certain of her powerlessness . . . or she could make the right choice this time. The choice she hadn’t made before. She could be strong.
Yes, this time would be different. And if Gerard wanted the truth, she’d have to give it to him, no matter what she’d promised David.
Gasping back a choked cry, Kate opened her eyes to blackness. Her neck tingled as the tiny hairs at her nape rose, warning her of the danger.
Though her eyes rolled wildly, she could see nothing, nothing. For one long, terrible moment, she was back in Ceylon, where night fell like black wool, where this feeling came often. She was suddenly sure that Ceylon had reclaimed her, that England had been a dream, Aidan a fantasy. In that moment, brief and heart-wrenching, she thought she would dare anything to have him back again. Anything.
Lying there, stiff with shock, too frightened to even shake, she sensed the minutes tick past. Her heart finally receded, dropping back into her chest where it usually lived, and reality eased its way closer.
This was not Ceylon. This was England. She gulped at cold air, fighting to ease the sharp burning of her lungs, to calm her driving pulse. Her panic was fading, but the sense of wrongness remained.
“Gerard,” she whispered, holding herself still.
He’d shut the curtains and the bedroom door, but he was waiting in the parlor.
She could scarcely believe that she’d slept, but her sleepless nights had caught up with her. He’d be coming in to wake her soon. Dinner couldn’t be far off, and he was determined to go. Determined to play at being her husband, just as he’d always wanted.
Her heart jumped at every sound, every creak of the old building. Her eyes continuously slid to the parlor door, imagining footsteps. Eventually, though, her pulse began to slow to a more reasonable pace.
She was left in the company of a different sort of anxiety, not based on fear, but on hope. Aidan. When she’d awakened, certain that her time with him had been a dream, she’d thought she’d dare anything, risk everything, to be with him. The thought had been straightforward, uncomplicated: Nothing mattered except the chance to love him.
But only the chance. When he found out that she had no husband, he’d hate her for that. He must.
Still, there was a chance, and this time she’d take it.
She rose and lit the lamp, then washed in the basin and opened the wardrobe.
“Wear the blue,” Gerard said from the doorway.
Her muscles tightened painfully as her heart forced a wave of blood through her veins. She hesitated, staring at the blue stripes aglow against dark wood.
“The blue,” he repeated, and she heard the scrape of his boots turning to retreat back to the parlor. Kate dressed as quickly as she could, afraid he’d reappear again without warning.
Though he swept her with an approving look when she emerged, he didn’t say a word during their walk to the Cains’. He was like his father that way. Quiet and serious. At least he didn’t try to force her to laugh and flirt with him. They simply moved through the cold night like strangers, both staring straight ahead.
After dinner tonight, she’d tell him the truth, and then perhaps he’d go. If she could get him to leave on his own, to return to Ceylon without her, everything would turn out well. Better than well, because her masquerade would be stronger than ever after her mysterious husband had made an appearance.
She would not be ruined. She would not have to leave.
She shot him a look from the corner of her eye. “I can never be your wife, you know.”
“I know. Not legally. But I hate that place without you.”
“But, Gerard . . . I am happy here. Can’t you see that?”
He shook his head, but as they walked, he frowned down at the ground as if he were puzzling through a problem. Was it possible he was actually listening to her?
“I have my shop here. A simple life. It’s all I want.”
“We’re late for dinner,” he muttered.
Kate let it be. They obviously weren’t sailing for Ceylon tonight. She had time. And better than that, she had a plan. He wasn’t mad. He’d only been grief-crazed that night he’d pushed her onto the bed and kissed her.
He lusted after her, yes, but he did not hate her. She could fix this. And if she couldn’t, this time she wouldn’t be a fool. Aidan had promised his help before, and if it came to it, she’d run to him. She could pretend that she didn’t trust him, but that was only hurt and jealousy. She trusted him with her life. She always had. It was why she’d given herself to him in the first place.