She'd claimed not to understand him or his appeal to other women, but perhaps she'd been naming it wrong the whole time. Perhaps what she couldn't understand were her own deepening feelings for him.
Jude had given up his scornful glare and now stared out the window at the passing night. Marissa watched him, unafraid that she might be caught looking. His face had struck her as unfortunate— and yes, ugly—when they'd first met. But watching him now, he only looked like Jude. His anger gave his jagged face a vicious cast, yet he wasn't frightening. His month was too wide, and yet it was the perfect width for kisses that devoured all her thoughts. His strong brows and dark eyes weren't the least bit gentle, but they seemed created for sending shivery thoughts down her spine.
He wasn't handsome, but something in him compelled her to want more than handsomeness. More than elegant legs and pretty flirtation.
And more from herself.
"Jude—"
"Leave me be, Marissa. Please."
"But after tonight. . . if we need to marry—"
He shook his head, and what did that mean?
Marissa let her next words fall away and disappear, like floating ash dissolving into water. He did not even want to speak with her. He wanted nothing, just when she wanted so much more.
She bowed her head and told herself that all would be well. And if she were ruined, and Jude refused to marry her ... it would be no more than she deserved. At least she had no sisters to pull down along behind her. At least it was just her, alone.
Chapter 19
The brightly colored crowd swirled before Jude like a flock of excited birds. He glared across the ballroom, unmoved by the lively sight.
He was too lost to appreciate the beauty of the scene. Lost in his unspoken worries that Harry could be behind this trouble. If it was Harry, the betrayal would break Marissa's heart.
But more than that, Jude was lost in his own past and the weight it pressed into his shoulders.
When he'd joined his father's ducal household, Jude had expected to feel like an outcast. Marginalized at the least, hated at worst. But he'd been pleasantly surprised by his welcome there. The duchess hadn't treated him like one of her own children, but she hadn't despised him either. As for his half brothers, he'd found two young boys who looked up to him as a large and foreign creature.
Much as the ladies of the ton did in his adulthood.
He could still remember that feeling of settling in at his father's home. He'd been homesick and heartbroken, but he'd also been relieved to have been so easily absorbed into the household.
He'd never lost that gratitude, he realized now. A courtesan's bastard was one thing, but a duke's bastard was another. Though he'd missed the warmth of his mother's home, and had luxuriated in it during the .summer months he'd spent with her, he'd appreciated the mantle of respect that had come with being his father's son.
That respect had afforded him the confidence that permeated every fiber of his being. The confidence that allowed him to move through the ton and feel equal.
Or so he'd always thought. But Marissa had exposed a secret knowledge that he was not quite equal. Perhaps not less than, but most definitely different. That was a secret he could expose to himself and eventually live with, but the knowledge that he still felt relieved to be accepted ... that was a bitter pill to swallow.
It was there in his attempt to seduce Marissa York into loving him. He saw now that seduction was simply a way to sneak beneath her defenses and trick her into feeling true affection. As if a lady would need to be fooled into taking him in.
He smiled bitterly and waited for her to circle around to his side of the dance floor again.
By God, she was a beauty. He told her so often, but he didn't think she realized that he wasn't speaking strictly of her looks. She was lively and smart and brave and passionate. And yes, a little shallow. But she'd been correct to tell him his pain wasn't her doing. That responsibility lay with him.
Sensing a presence at his side, Jude frowned to find Aidan there. "Is all in place?" Jude asked quietly.
"Yes. Edward has taken the first watch. I'm to meet him at the folly in an hour. Your turn will come next, then Edward again."
"We could be here all night."
"We could," Aidan agreed. Marissa appeared before them, her face slightly stiff as she danced a quadrille. "I'm getting the sense you've changed your mind about my sister. Will you call off?"
Jude shook his head.
"Well, you don't look like a man who's headed happily for the altar."
"Leave it. We argued. That's all."