Strong Enough to Love (Jackson Hole 1.20)

“Oh, my God. Are you disappointed?”

“Of course not!” She cleared her throat. “But you know...if you’re going to be all heartbreak and longing over the guy, you should at least get sex.”

“You’re terrible,” Eve scolded. But she also indulged in a watery laugh.

Grace smiled. “I know. But you stopped crying. Now, tell me what happened with this married man you never had sex with.”

So Eve did. Explaining how she’d left a lucrative, unsatisfying career in banking and moved to Jackson to take a year off. She’d skied and hiked and rediscovered her old love of photography. And then she’d met Brian. She’d worked for him in the gallery during the busy season. During the quiet months, he’d helped her relearn everything she’d forgotten about photography since college. Then he’d taught her more. And he’d become her best friend. Her companion. Her world.

“I never said anything. I never did anything. He was married, and I didn’t want to be a mistake. I didn’t want to hurt him or anyone he loved. But I did wonder if he felt the same. I fantasized. I hoped. He and his wife were separated. She’d gone back to their old home in Raleigh two years before. So... I hoped. And then he told me he was leaving.”

“Her?”

“No. Me. He was going back to try with her again.”

“God, Eve. I’m so sorry.” Grace squeezed her hand.

“I tried to be supportive. I said the right things. But suddenly I was choked up and I couldn’t stop the tears. I ran out. I didn’t take his calls. I couldn’t. Because I loved him and I hated that he didn’t care. It hurt so much. And it was humiliating. So when I came back a few days later, I pretended nothing had happened. Nothing was wrong. And when he offered to sell me the gallery, I bought it, as if it were nothing but another business deal. A month later, he left. It was over.”

“But that must have been years ago.”

“Yes. Two years. He came back yesterday.”

Grace leaned forward. “And?”

“He’s divorced. He wants another chance. Or a first chance, I guess.”

“And?” she repeated, her voice rising.

“I can’t.”

“Can’t what?” Grace demanded.

Eve pulled her numb fingers from Grace’s fist. “I can’t do that. I can’t feel that way again. It was too...”

“Too good?”

“No. Too much. Too hard. He overwhelms me, Grace. He makes me want everything. Makes me want to give everything. And that sounds romantic and lovely, but when he walked away, he took all of that everything with him. I can’t forgive that. And I can’t risk that again. I was so damn lost.” She didn’t cry. It wasn’t much, but at least she kept it together in that moment. And it felt good to say it out loud.

“I understand. You know I do. But this guy...he came back. And as cruel as it sounds, you can’t fault him for trying to make his marriage work.”

“As cruel as it sounds... yes. That’s the worst part. I hate him for that. And I hate myself for that ugliness. It was bad enough that I wanted someone else’s husband. Jesus. Then I resented her, too?”

“You’re human. And so is he. He probably didn’t realize what he felt for you until he was gone.”

“But that’s the thing. He did. He left me a letter. He knew what there was between us. He knew what it could be. He was honest and upfront and honorable. It was beautiful to read. And so damn horrible, because I couldn’t pretend he was just an oblivious man who didn’t get it. He understood perfectly, Grace. And it still wasn’t a good enough reason to stay.” She swallowed and said the words out loud that she’d thought to herself so many times. “I wasn’t enough reason to stay.”

Grace shook her head. “So you’re just giving up? That’s it?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Grace squeezed her fingers one last time. “Listen to me. He’s a man. And he had it in his head that he needed to try to make his marriage work, right?”

“I guess.”

“He had a plan, and he stuck to it, and he was doing what needed to be done. It had nothing to do with hurting you.”

“I know. I was collateral damage.”