Good Omens

All we need is, Radio Gaga, sang Freddie Mercury.

All I need is out, thought Crowley.

He swung around the Marble Arch Roundabout the wrong way, doing ninety. Lightning made the London skies flicker like a malfunctioning fluorescent tube.

A livid sky on London, Crowley thought, And I knew the end was near. Who had written that? Chesterton, wasn’t it? The only poet in the twentieth century to even come close to the Truth.

The Bentley headed out of London while Crowley sat back in the driver’s seat and thumbed through the singed copy of The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter.

Near the end of the book he found a folded sheet of paper covered in Aziraphale’s neat copperplate handwriting. He unfolded it (while the Bentley’s gearstick shifted itself down to third and the car accelerated around a fruit lorry, which had unexpectedly backed out of a side street), and then he read it again.

Then he read it one more time, with a slow sinking feeling at the base of his stomach.

The car changed direction suddenly. It was now heading for the village of Tadfield, in Oxfordshire. He could be there in an hour if he hurried.

Anyway, there wasn’t really anywhere else to go.

The cassette finished, activating the car radio.

“. . . Gardeners’ Question Time coming to you from Tadfield Gardening Club. We were last here in 1953, a very nice summer, and as the team will remember it’s a rich Oxfordshire loam in the East of the parish, rising to chalk in the West, the kind of place oi say, don’t matter what you plant here, it’ll come up beautiful. Isn’t that right, Fred?”

“Yep,” said Professor Fred Windbright, Royal Botanical Gardens, “couldn’t of put it better meself.”

“Right—First question for the team, and this comes from Mr. R.P. Tyler, chairman of the local Residents Association, I do believe.”

“’hem. That’s right. Well, I’m a keen rose grower, but my prize-winning Molly McGuire lost a couple of blossoms yesterday in a rain of what were apparently fish. What does the team recommend for this, other than place netting over the garden? I mean, I’ve written to the council … ”

“Not a common problem, I’d say. Harry?”

“Mr. Tyler, let me ask you a question—were these fresh fish, or preserved?”

“Fresh, I believe.”

“Well, you’ve got no problems, my friend. I hear you’ve also been having rains of blood in these parts—and I wish we had these up in the Dales, where my garden is. Save me a fortune in fertilizers. Now, what you do is, you dig them in to your … ” CROWLEY?

Crowley said nothing.

CROWLEY. THE WAR HAS BEGUN, CROWLEY. WE NOTE WITH INTEREST THAT YOU AVOIDED THE FORCES WE EMPOWERED TO COLLECT YOU.

“Mm,” Crowley agreed.

CR

OWLEY … WE WILL WIN THIS WAR. BUT EVEN IF WE LOSE, AT LEAST AS FAR AS YOU ARE CONCERNED, IT WILL MAKE NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL. FOR AS LONG AS THERE IS ONE DEMON LEFT IN HELL, CROWLEY, YOU WILL WISH YOU HAD BEEN CREATED MORTAL.

Crowley was silent.

MORTALS CAN HOPE FOR DEATH, OR FOR REDEMPTION. YOU CAN HOPE FOR NOTHING.

ALL YOU CAN HOPE FOR IS THE MERCY OF HELL.

“Yeah?”

JUST OUR LITTLE JOKE.

“Ngk,” said Crowley.

“. . . now as keen gardeners know, it goes without sayin’ that he’s a cunnin’ little devil, your Tibetan. Tunnelin’ straight through your begonias like it was nobody’s business. A cup of tea’ll shift him, with rancid yak butter for preference—you should be able to get some at any good gard … ”